Day 5
Hi. My name is Jane. I'm 30 years old, and after 19 years of drinking, I've decided to quit. There have been too many drunk nights, too many drunk fights, and just too many too many's for me to make excuses about anymore.
I have another blog, but too many people that know me read that for me to feel anonymous and comfortable shedding the beer goggles. Or wine goggles, as it were.
The last five days have been rather bizarre for me, painful. Irritating.
I guess the culminating event was when we went over to Jack and Jill's Sunday. I was so hung over all I could do was run to their bathroom and puke and then stumble back to the couch. Jill said that alone would be enough to deter her from drinking, and I decided that she was right. However, Jill is not content to let one remark sit. So I just took it and continue to take it, without saying a damn word - which is why I glued my hand to the bottle in the first place. I NEVER SAY A DAMN THING! Maybe I should send my sweaters to her so she can sew a big, fat "A" on them. It can double for alcoholic and adulteress.
Well, you say...you didn't mention that, Jane. That's different. I know, we're working on that too. And by we, I mean me and drunk Jane, who I hope to send on a long trip soon, soon, soon. Drunk Jane gets drunk and kisses people. Boys, girls, dogs, doesn't really matter - it's just something to fill the void. Maybe if my husband had the foresight to buy me a blow up doll, or really just one of those hair dresser barbies would do, I could just take it out and about with me and kiss it. Drunk Jane has a trigger, too. She comes out and plays when I least expect it.
Dick said that either you change or you don't. And he's right. I change. I am changing. I will change. That's not to say that watching the episode of LOST with the unbelievable amount of alcohol on it didn't make my mouth water. Oh, it did. The wine?
And I don't want to be one of those people. The "don't drink around me" people. I hate those people. I just want to be happy with who I am. Considering that my old friend AL has been such a negative influence in my life lately, I want him to fuck right the hell off. I've lost friends and relatives, jewelry and clothing, electronics and accessories, hours and minutes because of him. And honey, I ain't gettin' any younger. The clock's ticking.
So primarily, this'll just be my day to day. Like today, and the other days? I've been waking up feeling like a crack addict looking for a fix. Jumpy and shaky. If I were a hardcore alcoholic (I know I sound like I'm in denial, but...well, I'm not) I'd get it. I don't usually drink more than a glass a night (if that). Until the weekends, then honey, just IV me some champagne, 'cuz I used to put the shit away. Maybe I'm just stressed about the other stuff going on in my life. But, that's not for here.
I felt good today. Maybe like Jill was a little toxic - I dread her e-mails, now, because I feel like she's being condescending. But, if things are okay between Dick and I, Jill should butt out. Lord knows she has enough of her own problems, but I'm not trying to be that catty vindictive girl. Honesty is one thing. Kicking me when I'm down is quite another.
Night all. Tomorrow will be a better day.
I had quite a conversation with an elderly woman today. About her cat staring down a particular wild rabbit and some goose shit in the pool. Sometimes I wonder if I'm drunk without knowing it. High on life, baby, high on life.
Jane Says: I'm done with Sergio...
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on Thursday, May 25, 2006 at 3:30 PM.
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