It's hard to look back after 9 million odd seconds and say how things have changed. How they haven't. I know that I'm different, I'm just not quite sure why.
I haven't been going to meetings. I can't really explain why, I'm just overcome with an overwhelming sense of wanting to be home, or among friends. I have also been working for other people and full days, and when my alone time comes, I am DYING for it. Introverted, much?
And a very limited group it is. Sometimes my refusal to hang out with people who I hold near and dear is surprising to even me. And at times, I don't let myself be coerced by friends, husband, or otherwise to hang out with these people because I'm afraid my superficial irritation or need to be alone will show. It's like an annoying blemish. I can't cover it, but if I pretend it's not there, others will see it. I used to think that I was good at hiding this need for one-ness until I started watching how people reacted to me. My unfriendliness was mirrored in their hurt faces.
My relationship with Dick has changed in volumes. It's easier for me to say that I am sorry. I haven't actually come out and said it FIRST! But I can say it, now. Before, he always apologized. I don't know what that stubborn, defiant streak is. A little bit ugly, is what it is. He doesn't seem to notice these changes in me, so much. He says that they are so gradual, he almost didn't see them happening until I pointed them out to him.
I have noticed that I am uncomfortable around people when they are really drunk. I find them volatile, unpredictable, and difficult to deal with. I think this is a LOTTA BIT o' Karma, though, coming back to take a sizable chunk out of my ass. I know that I have made people feel more than a little bit uncomfortable many, many times. I'm sure I do it now, too.
I went with Suzy for her birthday to the club - I thought I wanted to dance. What I found, sadly, was that I did not. I felt wooden on the floor. Channeling pinocchio. It was not even a sad imitation of the robot that I was pulling out there. It was just jack-assery in platforms. I feel even more self-concious now than I did when I drank. My friends understood, but I still felt like the great assholio. It's strange that one of the very things that drove me to drink is still there. Oh, I am WAY less self-concious than I was. But having the men stand around and stare with their arms crossed, sneering? A little less vulture-like, please? You want rhythm? Moves? Grinding? Go to the strip club. Watch porn. Just don't watch me. Don't get me wrong, men aren't the only ones guilty of this. There just weren't very many girls there that night.
Sometimes I watch my friends drink and wonder if I will always be quietly sipping on tea or O'Doul's or whatever is alcohol free. I just don't know. I think it would be nice to feel loose and free again, but I do not miss the shame or the hangovers. I think, after a fashion, that you just put too much time behind you to give it up for a drink OR a drunk. A friend of mine told me that he went to meetings for 17 years, was sober for 17 years, but gave it up when he got out here. The place where all anonymity is lost. Everyone has their own idea of what too much time to throw it down the bottle is. 17 years was not enough for him.
I'm finding that the honeymoon period of "all is right with the world" is over. I am angered as I was before when I was still drinking. Sometimes I have reason, sometimes I don't. They are only different because they are never alcohol related anymore. At least, not in relation to my alcohol intake.
I am, by comparison, much, much happier. But there are no quick fixes. Life is still frustrating, irritating, and annoyingly REAL. Every day. Without wine bottle glasses. I am also happy to be awake in the mornings. To sleep in because I am tired, not hungover, and not to ever have to view the contents of my meals in reverse. While I am frustrated that I don't feel as loose as I did, I think that there are other ways to achieve it.
Jane Says: The sun's gonna rise in a mile...in a mile you will be just fine.
Labels: sobriety
