See Jane Sober

It's been a while since I've rambled on here, but not because I've forgotten about not drinking, or don't think about it constantly. It has had such a great impact (and by great I mean "huge" not "fantastic") on my life as of late.

There are days when I just get sick of not drinking. I mean, I am ecstatic to be in control, but I'm just sick of it! I think, "Why can't I enjoy a beer if I want to?" but then I remember that it was never just "a beer" with me. Well, that's not true. That there were times when it was just "a beer" with me, but that as of late, and as I rewarded myself with alcohol, it became as much as I wanted it to be. Or more than I wanted it to be. And because I was so angry prior, it was usually until I didn't feel angry. Which was quite a bit. And then, of course, I had to maintain that feeling.

I think a lot of my impatience comes with forgetting what it feels like to be intoxicated. I mean, there are certain things I don't miss - like feeling super focused on kids or super mean, or super whatever, but there are certain things I've just forgotten. I will never forget the hangover, I watch too many of my friends go through it or discuss it on a frequent basis.

I also think my frustration stems from limitations. I'm not supposed to go to the club. Well, why the hell not? We're not supposed to drink near beer. Well, why the hell not? I know there's .5% alcohol in it, and that it could be viewed as a gateway, but having been there before, I don't think it is for me. And, I don't know if these are limitations I feel that are imposed by AA or by the good doctor only. I mean, she told me not to do this stuff, but I'm starting to feel like I'm missing something. Experience dictates that when I feel that way, I start getting really unhappy. I think I should be able to throw darts with a friend or dance if I'd like to. I hardly feel as emotionally vulnerable or unstable as I used to.

I also feel an unwavering sense of "I don't want to be a part of it." I'd rather just sit at home for some reason. The doctor asked me if I was depressed, but I don't think so. I just know that sometimes being by myself is more important.

Jane Says: Get off your lazy ass and please, please use your brain.

Since this is one of the last places I have anonymity, I'll just get it off my chest. Not drinking related, sorry.

I have an evaluator. Who chaps my ass, ALOT. I got asked to submit an article. I DID. What did he do? He submitted it over my head and over the head of the BIG BOSS, who is now a little disappointed that the publication didn't come from her office.

Where the fuck does he get off? Seriously. He makes me so mad I could just spit.

Whenever I see him, he says, "Well, when I was in charge..." and then goes off on some completely unrelated BULLSHIT that doesn't do me a damn bit of a good. Not even a little bit. Constructive criticism I can take? But just flapping of the lips? SHUT UP!

When I presented a new program I would be introducing, I got a little e-mail about grants. Now, why would I need money if I ALREADY have the program? ARGH!

I want to spit. OR shake him very very hard. I listen to you. Please listen to me.