See Jane Sober

This weekend was a good reminder for me of exactly why I choose to be sober. And how happy I am that I am sober. Maybe happy isn't the correct word; maybe relieved is.

Dick and I had a housewarming/birthday party this weekend and invited damn near the whole community. There were a couple people I left off. Some were simple errors, some deliberate.

At around 1:00 a young girl walks into the party. She seems relatively friendly, relatively sober - harmless. Harmless that is, until she bolts for the bathroom and makes a small deposit on my carpet. She hugs the toilet for a good half hour, and tells me she lives about 8 minutes away. She's in no condition to ride her bike, and I am certainly not strong enough to carry her that far.

I offer her water and try and clean off the vomit that has dried on her face, hands and arms. The smell of the antibacterial wet wipes makes her ill and she starts heaving again, unable to even get a swallow of water in.

I watch her heave and gasp for breath in between outpourings of alcohol, discomfort, and stomach bile. I've been here many, many times and don't envy her one bit. I think about how deceiving alcohol can be. You can LOOK fine. You can APPEAR sober. Until she put her head in her hands, I had no idea that she was in such an advanced state of inebriation. I know from experience that her head is spinning, her stomach is trying to escape through her esophagus, and she just wants to go home and pass out.

The crowd is at a loss as to what to do with her. The only male at the party who came with her has disowned her (what a prick) and we have no idea who she is. Worried for her safety, we call the police to come escort her home. The sergeant takes one look at her still-heaving body and calls the paramedics. They are equally alarmed. She is no longer expelling liquid but simply dry heaving or pulling up what she must have digested days ago. They convince her to go to the hospital for observation, possible alcohol poisoning. By now she is sober enough to be embarrassed and remorseful. Two feelings that I ALSO do not want to feel again in relation to alcohol.

She comes over the next day and says that she is fine, but her present of scrubbing bubbles and offer to clean the bathroom tells me otherwise.

Staring across the room at her, I cannot help but feel relieved that it is her in this position and not me.

I just can't afford to be there anymore. Period.

I hesitate to use any kind of title like that to a post, because I know that pride comes before a fall. I don't think that I'm am being prideful or anything, I just feel like I am in a good place. Every other time that I have been in this "good place", I panicked and went to the bottle and fucked it up. Because I didn't know what to do.

I find that pretty unbelievable that I was SO uncomfortable being comfortable and good (when that was all that I desperately wanted) that I purposely sabotaged it.

I also naively convinced myself that I could handle a few drinks, more than once. A lot of times I think that I'm still in that stage, because I STILL can't see myself quitting forever. AA always says, "1 day at a time", though, and I guess that's for people like me. I don't have to quit drinking forever, I just have to quit 1 day at a time.

Sometimes I also think I have lost my damn mind, because I asked a good friend of mine to make his in/famous punch for this weekend, Dick's birthday. Punch that is known community-wide for having people dancing on tables and stealing hats and falling off bikes. Punch that people - when they hear it is being served, get looks of fear and excitement in their eyes. That kind of punch. Why I choose to indulge in this kind of passive alcoholic mischeviousness is seriously beyond me. I just thought it would be a good thing to have at a party.


Jane Says: Sometimes I want to fly.

Blogger, I am sorry I have neglected you my little friend - I thought you were (dunh, dunh, dunh) BLOCKED FROM WORK (SCREAM!) for containing sexual content! You are not, though, thank the people in cyberspace.

Continuing on,

When I was at my AA meeting a couple weeks ago, we were dealing with admissions of alcoholism. There are several paragraphs in the 3rd chapter that are used to set guidelines for you might be an alcoholic if...it then enumerates things I have done and have not done, but it's just supposed to give you an idea.

Which is why I suppose I didn't get the big BONG! pan hitting you on the head thing when I was thinking about whether I was an alcoholic or not. And then, as I was sitting among my very accepting friends, I thought, "Why don't they just asked you how many times and where you have puked due to alcohol?"

Because me? I am the QUEEN of the POST PARTY PUKE. I've puked in Palau, Japan, China, Uruguay, Hong Kong, various U.S. States and on several boats, I'm sure of it. HAVE you tried ralphing in a squatty potty? It's not pretty. Especially when you're balancing precariously in my stubbornly high platform shoes to avoid backsplash.

Had they asked me THAT question, I would've been like, YES! YES! I AM! I guess it should have occurred to me a couple summers ago when I was helping my mom at an event and had to puke in a very full porta potty. The shit was literally hitting me in the face, and it didn't even occur to me that SOMETHING! WAS! WRONG! No, everybody does this!

I'm still in disbelief that this never occurred to me. I still move that should be added to the BIG BOOK. Do you drink alone? in the dark? switch brands? drink only during the day? drink only during the night? PUKE IN AS MANY DIFFERENT TOILETS IN AS MANY DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AS YOU CAN?

That would've made it so much easier!

Yesterday I went to my first meeting with all women. It wasn't planned; it just worked out that way. We listened to a Big Book discussion enumerating specifics of the content. I find it hard to recall what was said, only know that it was pertinent and funny.

I find myself doing that lately, often, indicating that I am still burnt out from the holidays. Or perhaps that I should just high step it back to the gym. I have a hard time wanting to go because I don't want to see S. The one who told everyone I was on Antabuse and then denied it. I also know that he knows about M, and that makes it hard to stomach as well. I'll have to see him sooner or later, but please just let me pull the covers over my head a little bit longer.

I have been reading, as of late, only non-alcoholic literature. The Grapevine, an AA "meeting in a book", as well as the countless stories from the Big Book. Although I thought they would get redundant after awhile (how many different kinds of alcoholics ARE there?!) they don't. Each one is new and educational in some way. At first I scoured the book looking for someone who had recovered who was like me. I.e, didn't get into too much trouble, could go for months at a time without a drink, but when s/he drank to get drunk it was INSTANT trouble. I found several. And I was instantly comforted.

Part of what I've gleaned from AA is that the alcoholic has a difficult time accepting the he or she cannot drink like his or her peer group, therefore alienating those who were seeking acceptance in the first place. What AA does is provides a place of fellowship where that one individual can feel like hundreds and literally thousands of other people. I can see why it works.

I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't pick apart and analyze everything. I have to admit that I find the fully male language of PART 1 a little frustrating, but then I figure I can pull what my advisor from my 1st year of college did and insert "she" or "her" for pronouns. That just seems to make their absence more apparent, though, and then I think I'm just being ridiculous.

I've done really well at not drinking. Yes, I think it would be nice to have a beer (in the heat) or especially some wine, but I realize that is just not an option for me. Since it is NOT an option, I just ignore it. Yesterday, I even cleaned up after Dick and his friends (picking up and disposing of their beer bottles) without so much as a pang of regret. It was nice for a change. There have been times when I have wanted to rip the drink out or somebody else's hand and claim it for my own.

I hear another AA'er talk about returning to the club, and not being ready for it, and I can relate. I don't know that I'll ever go back. I tired quickly of people literally trying to shove alcohol in my hand and not accepting "no" for answer. I'm all about fighting the good fight, but this was just bordering on insanity. I used to be one of those people who wanted you to drink with me so we could have "fun" together, and I hope that I was never as disrespectful about a person's choice not to drink as people are to me. It is frustrating and tiring, and a large part of the reason I won't go back. My friends respect this, and it's just easier for me to hang around them, thankfully.

I am ecstatic that it is the start of the weekend today - I could use the breather.

I have a hard time going to the meetings, sometimes. Even though the members say that is it not mybusiness what they think of me, when one of them utters, "sounds like a drunk to me," I have a hard time stomaching that.

It is only from one member, and I think he says it more in terms of acceptance that I DO have a problem than as a sign of judgment. Sometimes it still puts a sour taste in my mouth, though.

I am also trying not to be peeved about a friend's posts. She posted about me and the gentleman who I last embarrassed myself with the other day, and then was like "read my blog!" It was a very complimentary entry about what she likes about her friends, but I was like "ARGH!" Of all the people you know, why do you have to include me in the same entry with him? She also posted a picture up of her and him and another person together in the club. I KNOW that it is her blog and that she can do whatever the damn hell she pleases with it, but why would you include him and I in an entry and then tell me to read your blog? I realize that living here makes it damn near impossible not to be friends with people that have hurt your friends, but I guess I can dream.

She was recently irritated because another mutual acquaintance was mad that she mentioned his ex-girlfriend (in relation to herself) in front of a now current girlfriend. I laughed at his childishness (as I termed it) and here I am in the same boat myself. I realize that I am being juvenile and petty, but it was just something I have to get off my chest.

When I went to the counselor the other day she said, "Can I tell you something? It's NOT ALL ABOUT YOU."

That's something I try and remember every day.

Jane Says: I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend, I'm a little glowing friend, but really I'm not actually your friend.

This is my coin. It's a little blurry, but Mac gave it to me last Monday for being sober for 24 hours. I've been sober longer, but I like shiny things, so I didn't say anything.

Yesterday as I was sitting out on the verandah with Dick, I was noting that AA recognizes 30, 60, 90 days, and then 3, 6,9, and 12 months before recognizing yearly anniversaries. Some of the people in the group have been sober for 15 years. "I just can't imagine that," I said. "You'll get there," he said.

It just seems so far away. I know in the long run that I will be happier, but I am seriously mourning the death of my relationship with red wine. This is par for the course, I suppose. I told my parents that I was probably going to end up having to bathe in it as opposed to drinking it. This would be an expensive habit, and my skin would be quite pink. At least I'd always have that rosy hue!

It's still one of my dreams to open a winery and make a really great non-alcoholic red. As far as I'm concerned, they ALL taste like ass. I also feel that wanting to open a winery means that I am still living in the great state of denial, population of ONE. It's just a dream.

They posted my story about my first meeting on doitsober.com, and I was politely surprised. It's a new site, but HEY! I am webamous!

My fourth meeting is tonight; I hope that there are some girls there.

Labels: alcoholics anonymous, anniversaries, sobriety