Day 6: Why THIS All Started in the First Place
Part of the reason that this started is that I find myself unable to say what I want. The words run through my head, but they just get stuck somewhere inbetween my brain and my tongue. When I get angry I just internalize it.
I used to have what I called the slow burn. At the time of the incident, I wouldn't be angry. I'd think I was ducking it (like water off a duck's...) - And then four or five days later, I'd be livid. LIVID. With a CAPITAL LIV.
After a couple drinks? Thar SHE BLOWS! She is pissed off watch her roar. The other day when I was talking to my mother, she she said that I was a MEAN drunk. MEAN. And I believe her. I've said so many hateful things in my life that it is disgusting.
When I was younger, I said these hateful things to my first boyfriend. We tore each other apart, we did, we did, and I've never recovered since. He is not fully to blame. There were three, who took my little 16 year old self and verbally pummeled her into low self esteem pulp. I lashed out verbally, seeking out the psychological leg and intentionally kicking it out from under him whenever we fought.
I don't blame him. We were young.
What I did learn, however, is that words are destructive. So I swallow them. I've done it for so long that I don't think I know how to healthily deal with my angry feelings. Over the years, after swallowing all that anger? I had no release. I thought I had them processed and digested until I drank, and then I would just become this hateful angry girl spewing insults ceaselessly.
Which leads me to now. I am still really upset with Jill. We are supposed to spend a good chunk of the weekend with her and Jack, and I just DON'T WANT TO. I am upset that she insinuated on several occasions that Dick should divorce me. I don't want to be analyzed and poked and prodded.
Dick thinks I'm overreacting, but after several emotional e-mails back and forth where I was informed that she thought my life depended on me quitting drinking, I'm just over it. OVER IT! How much of this do I have to take? When do I get to say enough?
Yes, I know you were uncomfortable around me when I was drunk, SEVERAL TIMES EVEN!, as you mentioned, but I channel Adam Sandler on this - isn't this something that could've been brought to my attention PREVIOUSLY?
I know that I can't just say that I want to change and expect people who have known for me a while to say, "OKAY!" I expect skepticism and anger and what not, I can accept that. What I cannot accept are the speculations about my relationship.
It takes a strong man to stand by me. Whether he chooses to or not is none of your damn business.
Which leads me back to where I am. In search of a healthy way to channel negative feelings without the alcohol. I go to the gym. I write. Maybe I should become an adrenaline junkie?
Jane Says: It's Looking LIKE RAIN.
I used to have what I called the slow burn. At the time of the incident, I wouldn't be angry. I'd think I was ducking it (like water off a duck's...) - And then four or five days later, I'd be livid. LIVID. With a CAPITAL LIV.
After a couple drinks? Thar SHE BLOWS! She is pissed off watch her roar. The other day when I was talking to my mother, she she said that I was a MEAN drunk. MEAN. And I believe her. I've said so many hateful things in my life that it is disgusting.
When I was younger, I said these hateful things to my first boyfriend. We tore each other apart, we did, we did, and I've never recovered since. He is not fully to blame. There were three, who took my little 16 year old self and verbally pummeled her into low self esteem pulp. I lashed out verbally, seeking out the psychological leg and intentionally kicking it out from under him whenever we fought.
I don't blame him. We were young.
What I did learn, however, is that words are destructive. So I swallow them. I've done it for so long that I don't think I know how to healthily deal with my angry feelings. Over the years, after swallowing all that anger? I had no release. I thought I had them processed and digested until I drank, and then I would just become this hateful angry girl spewing insults ceaselessly.
Which leads me to now. I am still really upset with Jill. We are supposed to spend a good chunk of the weekend with her and Jack, and I just DON'T WANT TO. I am upset that she insinuated on several occasions that Dick should divorce me. I don't want to be analyzed and poked and prodded.
Dick thinks I'm overreacting, but after several emotional e-mails back and forth where I was informed that she thought my life depended on me quitting drinking, I'm just over it. OVER IT! How much of this do I have to take? When do I get to say enough?
Yes, I know you were uncomfortable around me when I was drunk, SEVERAL TIMES EVEN!, as you mentioned, but I channel Adam Sandler on this - isn't this something that could've been brought to my attention PREVIOUSLY?
I know that I can't just say that I want to change and expect people who have known for me a while to say, "OKAY!" I expect skepticism and anger and what not, I can accept that. What I cannot accept are the speculations about my relationship.
It takes a strong man to stand by me. Whether he chooses to or not is none of your damn business.
Which leads me back to where I am. In search of a healthy way to channel negative feelings without the alcohol. I go to the gym. I write. Maybe I should become an adrenaline junkie?
Jane Says: It's Looking LIKE RAIN.
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on Friday, May 26, 2006 at 3:55 PM.
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