Love Letters
Dh,
I am sorry I was mad yesterday. I guess I was just surprised when you drank, even though I only asked you to keep it out of the house.
I feel that I was coarse and maybe a little bit rude yesterday when you told me that your favorite beer was on island and you couldn’t have any. I don’t know. I wanted you to know what it is to *KNOW* that you cannot drink. Because you are putting so many other things at risk. I love beer! I love to drink! My mouth actually watered when I smelled the alcohol on your breath, and I wanted to cry.
I felt such a disconnect from you the first time I quit drinking. When I missed alcohol, and you professed that you could quit any time, with no problem, and that you wouldn’t miss beer at all, I felt diminished and misunderstood. I thought that maybe if you quit drinking with me for a substantial amount of time, you’d know how it felt. And I KNOW you know how it feels, because you were so uncomfortable when we went to the club, and you weren’t drinking – you just wanted to leave.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I think you and I have similar personalities – when I see you drink, I know EXACTLY how you feel after 1 after 2, after 5…and I get mad that you are relaxed, and I’m still sitting there, like I have a pole up my ass, uncomfortable and sweaty.
But it is not fair for me to impose that on you. But, I also found, that last time, when I realized that I had to MAKE MYSELF quit drinking and that you couldn’t help me, really, that I felt independent from you. But not just from you. From everybody. And I created a lot of distance in our relationship. Which, I feel, led to our problems over the summer. For the first time in my life, without alcohol, I didn’t feel like I needed anybody.
I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that my point of view changes greatly when I am not drinking and in AA. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people that we normally call our friends, and I don’t really like them. It sounds really mean, but I just need distance from just about everybody except you and bd (because I feel like he NEVER judges me). Everybody else, I could give a shit about. I see them just winding themselves up in their own little dramas and bullshit, and I really don’t have time.
It is also stressful to me when I feel so out of sync in our own house – cutting board, frying pan, towel, pee on the floor, etc. I try and mention these things to him kindly, but to be blunt, it is extremely frustrating when I feel I am being disregarded.
I’m just trying to do things right this time.
I love you.
I am sorry I was mad yesterday. I guess I was just surprised when you drank, even though I only asked you to keep it out of the house.
I feel that I was coarse and maybe a little bit rude yesterday when you told me that your favorite beer was on island and you couldn’t have any. I don’t know. I wanted you to know what it is to *KNOW* that you cannot drink. Because you are putting so many other things at risk. I love beer! I love to drink! My mouth actually watered when I smelled the alcohol on your breath, and I wanted to cry.
I felt such a disconnect from you the first time I quit drinking. When I missed alcohol, and you professed that you could quit any time, with no problem, and that you wouldn’t miss beer at all, I felt diminished and misunderstood. I thought that maybe if you quit drinking with me for a substantial amount of time, you’d know how it felt. And I KNOW you know how it feels, because you were so uncomfortable when we went to the club, and you weren’t drinking – you just wanted to leave.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I think you and I have similar personalities – when I see you drink, I know EXACTLY how you feel after 1 after 2, after 5…and I get mad that you are relaxed, and I’m still sitting there, like I have a pole up my ass, uncomfortable and sweaty.
But it is not fair for me to impose that on you. But, I also found, that last time, when I realized that I had to MAKE MYSELF quit drinking and that you couldn’t help me, really, that I felt independent from you. But not just from you. From everybody. And I created a lot of distance in our relationship. Which, I feel, led to our problems over the summer. For the first time in my life, without alcohol, I didn’t feel like I needed anybody.
I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that my point of view changes greatly when I am not drinking and in AA. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people that we normally call our friends, and I don’t really like them. It sounds really mean, but I just need distance from just about everybody except you and bd (because I feel like he NEVER judges me). Everybody else, I could give a shit about. I see them just winding themselves up in their own little dramas and bullshit, and I really don’t have time.
It is also stressful to me when I feel so out of sync in our own house – cutting board, frying pan, towel, pee on the floor, etc. I try and mention these things to him kindly, but to be blunt, it is extremely frustrating when I feel I am being disregarded.
I’m just trying to do things right this time.
I love you.
Labels: AA, alcholism, marriage
This entry was posted
on Monday, February 04, 2008 at 1:19 PM.
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That has to be hard, Dh drinking when you are not. I know what you mean about it is not fair to him to have to refrain from drinking, but for him to be drinking is a little like him cooking bacon and pancakes when you are on a diet, or something like that. It certainly doesn't make things any easier.
Jen,
I didn't even think of it that way. Thankfully, he's been very courteous, since I told him how much it bothered me. Seems I should speak up now and again instead of blogging everything.
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