What I REALLY Wanted to Say
Maybe you’re wondering where I went. Maybe you weren’t.
My blog was “discovered” by some people on the island, and passed around to some of the teachers who I am supposed to work with next year. Who are questioning, among other things, my language, my sanity, why I’m working with kids if I “hate them” and just me, in general.
I have to preface by saying that I don’t make any excuses for who I am. After I found out I was made public, I went back and read everything I wrote. I stand behind it 100%.
I AM honest.
I AM a 31 year-old female who quit drinking this year, who has made many mistakes, with a fondness for four letter words and strong language. And sarcasm. I like that, too.
I DO have strong opinions when it comes to what children should be exposed to, how they should conduct themselves, and what part ANY parents play in this. I make no apologies for this. I did not say anything about children that I haven’t said about my own two stepsons. I absolutely hold myself to the same standards that I hold other parents.
I REACT when people threaten, lie, or otherwise harm my family. It makes me upset when my loved ones are hurt or upset. I can say with certainty that I do not know any other people who would not give voice to the same feelings.
My writing was not for public consumption, which was precisely WHY it was not able to be reached by simply running a search for my name. It was not very well-hidden, however, and I was naïve to enjoy my relative and temporary obscurity.
I do not feel that my writing should be particularly interesting to other people. It is what rattles around in my head from time to time – the good, the bad, the heartbreak, the humor I find in day to day dealings. I seriously doubt that I expressed anything that has not been said on this island. My problem was that it was in writing. That you could refer back to it anytime you wanted. Your words, when you utter them (and I am sure you have), disappear - muddled by what people heard, what they remember, the weather. Any old thing. If that makes you a better person than me, so be it.
You CAN doubt me all that you want. My job performance next year, and it will be good, will speak for me.
If you feel some slight twinge of pride that I whitewashed my page, don’t. I’ll be around.
My blog was “discovered” by some people on the island, and passed around to some of the teachers who I am supposed to work with next year. Who are questioning, among other things, my language, my sanity, why I’m working with kids if I “hate them” and just me, in general.
I have to preface by saying that I don’t make any excuses for who I am. After I found out I was made public, I went back and read everything I wrote. I stand behind it 100%.
I AM honest.
I AM a 31 year-old female who quit drinking this year, who has made many mistakes, with a fondness for four letter words and strong language. And sarcasm. I like that, too.
I DO have strong opinions when it comes to what children should be exposed to, how they should conduct themselves, and what part ANY parents play in this. I make no apologies for this. I did not say anything about children that I haven’t said about my own two stepsons. I absolutely hold myself to the same standards that I hold other parents.
I REACT when people threaten, lie, or otherwise harm my family. It makes me upset when my loved ones are hurt or upset. I can say with certainty that I do not know any other people who would not give voice to the same feelings.
My writing was not for public consumption, which was precisely WHY it was not able to be reached by simply running a search for my name. It was not very well-hidden, however, and I was naïve to enjoy my relative and temporary obscurity.
I do not feel that my writing should be particularly interesting to other people. It is what rattles around in my head from time to time – the good, the bad, the heartbreak, the humor I find in day to day dealings. I seriously doubt that I expressed anything that has not been said on this island. My problem was that it was in writing. That you could refer back to it anytime you wanted. Your words, when you utter them (and I am sure you have), disappear - muddled by what people heard, what they remember, the weather. Any old thing. If that makes you a better person than me, so be it.
You CAN doubt me all that you want. My job performance next year, and it will be good, will speak for me.
If you feel some slight twinge of pride that I whitewashed my page, don’t. I’ll be around.
This entry was posted
on Monday, June 04, 2007 at 11:56 AM.
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I am glad that you are not going to fade away into the depths of the blogosphere, we need you here, even if for just the rattlings around in your head. I don't know why those people felt they had to make your blog everyone's business and take it so seriously when clearly it was not meant to be taken as such. I hope you saved all the posts and comments, even if it is just for yourself, so that you can look back at your blog as a record of how things happened in your life.
There are many interesting things that have happened to me based on my blog. I have met people from all over the world, I have reconnected with people that I knew twelve years ago in the Virgin Islands that I never would have talked to again because I didn't even know their last names, and I did even lose a friend over something I wrote on my blog. But it is honest, and that is the part that has made me connect with others, and that is also the part that has pushed one away. Looking at it now I feel that is a good thing as the one lost friendship was a toxic one for me anyway.
So I hope you are able to comeback strong under whatever identity you choose. I will be here as your friend, and nothing you write on your blog is ever going to change that. Let me know what you look like when you resurface in the blogosphere so I'll recognize you!
J,
You always have such positive words for me, and I can't ever explain to you what that means to me. Going out in public here and knowing that people are talking about my blog and highlighting the negativity in it without understanding what it or I am about is...daunting. But, I have come to realize in the past couple of weeks that I have WAY too much going on in my head to be quiet!
And I like to remember those times. Good, bad, drunk, sober, embarrassing and ugly! When I go back and read what I wrote, I remember exactly HOW I felt. Without my words, I can speculate, but I don't really remember all the time. I won't be far, and it definitely won't be long :)
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