Groundhog Day
I'm finding that I have less and less time to blog, which kind of bothers me - I don't like being so disconnected from people. From the world. I think every now and then a little disconnect isn't bad, but I made a promise to keep journaling, and I'm trying to do it. I just wish I had more time.
I found out at my job this past week that I am my boss would like me to run all the programs (or at least have a lead hand in) that deal with my age group. So, in addition to running the before and after school program, I'll also be picking up 4H. I remember that some of my happiest times have been when I have been the most busy, and I hope that holds true. I'm not really worried about it, but it explains my lack of time. To me, at least.
When I first got here, Dick told me that it was like Groundhog's Day (the movie) and I really couldn't understand why, because I didn't have a routine. Now that I'm working, the days just fly. Even if I'm working evenings, which is unusual for me. Usually I know exactly what day it is, what time it is...now I don't. Here it is, the weekend again, and I feel like it was just the start of the work week yesterday.
I worked at the teen center last night. Teenage boys are a completely different breed. Especially out here. There are no strangers and no limits to them. They speak to you like they are adults (as do the girls, but there were not any there when I was there) and it can be difficult to maneuver. I am VERY, VERY careful to make sure that I draw a line. One of the boys who has trouble getting along with his peers (and who I am unfailingly nice to) has developed an attachment to me. Last night when we were playing a board game (he was on my team) he put his hand on my knee. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but stood up under the pretense of checking the time. He put his hand out and I gave him a high five. A crush is okay. But, with Mary Kay Letourneau and all those other teachers out there, I just don't want him or anyone else to get the wrong idea.
It really bothers me that such strong emphasis is put on physical appearances. I was an ugly duckling, and a late bloomer; the sudden emergence into being considered attractive was awkward and painful for me. I went from being ridiculed, teased, and (to my relief) ignored, to being talked about, misunderstood and hit on (sometimes with physical consequences). Even when I read this, I think some people will think, "Oh, poor you. So people think you're attractive - so fucking what?"
I don't really know what to say about it without sounding like an asshole. Only that I didn't enjoy the transition, or many of the moments following. I am made even more aware of how I felt now that I watch the teens battle amongst themselves for power, dictated by looks. They are unaware how much people (and appearances) can change over the course of a decade, or half that. Blemishes vanish. Weight is gained or lost. Hair grown, styled. I was going to say that what doesn't change is who you are on the inside, but I don't even know if that it true. When the counselor asked me if I knew who I was, I said, "No," but I don't think I'm the same person.
I'm sorry, I'm distracted. Some kids I work with (and a couple I don't) saw that I was here and have come in to visit - I guess 5 days a week isn't enough! They're serenading me with "Beauty and the Beast," "Proud to be an American" (which I don't know the proper name of) and Celine Dion. It just doesn't get better than this :)
I found out at my job this past week that I am my boss would like me to run all the programs (or at least have a lead hand in) that deal with my age group. So, in addition to running the before and after school program, I'll also be picking up 4H. I remember that some of my happiest times have been when I have been the most busy, and I hope that holds true. I'm not really worried about it, but it explains my lack of time. To me, at least.
When I first got here, Dick told me that it was like Groundhog's Day (the movie) and I really couldn't understand why, because I didn't have a routine. Now that I'm working, the days just fly. Even if I'm working evenings, which is unusual for me. Usually I know exactly what day it is, what time it is...now I don't. Here it is, the weekend again, and I feel like it was just the start of the work week yesterday.
I worked at the teen center last night. Teenage boys are a completely different breed. Especially out here. There are no strangers and no limits to them. They speak to you like they are adults (as do the girls, but there were not any there when I was there) and it can be difficult to maneuver. I am VERY, VERY careful to make sure that I draw a line. One of the boys who has trouble getting along with his peers (and who I am unfailingly nice to) has developed an attachment to me. Last night when we were playing a board game (he was on my team) he put his hand on my knee. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but stood up under the pretense of checking the time. He put his hand out and I gave him a high five. A crush is okay. But, with Mary Kay Letourneau and all those other teachers out there, I just don't want him or anyone else to get the wrong idea.
It really bothers me that such strong emphasis is put on physical appearances. I was an ugly duckling, and a late bloomer; the sudden emergence into being considered attractive was awkward and painful for me. I went from being ridiculed, teased, and (to my relief) ignored, to being talked about, misunderstood and hit on (sometimes with physical consequences). Even when I read this, I think some people will think, "Oh, poor you. So people think you're attractive - so fucking what?"
I don't really know what to say about it without sounding like an asshole. Only that I didn't enjoy the transition, or many of the moments following. I am made even more aware of how I felt now that I watch the teens battle amongst themselves for power, dictated by looks. They are unaware how much people (and appearances) can change over the course of a decade, or half that. Blemishes vanish. Weight is gained or lost. Hair grown, styled. I was going to say that what doesn't change is who you are on the inside, but I don't even know if that it true. When the counselor asked me if I knew who I was, I said, "No," but I don't think I'm the same person.
I'm sorry, I'm distracted. Some kids I work with (and a couple I don't) saw that I was here and have come in to visit - I guess 5 days a week isn't enough! They're serenading me with "Beauty and the Beast," "Proud to be an American" (which I don't know the proper name of) and Celine Dion. It just doesn't get better than this :)
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on Saturday, September 30, 2006 at 8:18 PM.
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