Washing Machine
I've been thinking about John going to meet my ex, and it really bothers me. Yesterday when we got home Dick asked me if I was okay, if I wanted to talk about it, what I thought about it, and I thought I was fine. Well, I said I was fine, but maybe I was overtired, I don't know.
What I'm realizing is that even though the medication helps me to deal with what is going on in my life CURRENTLY. I feel okay CURRENTLY, I'm not going to panic CURRENTLY, I really have no coping or processing mechanism for what happened to me in the past if I don't feel okay with it regardless of how long ago it happened.
6 years is a long time. By all accounts I feel like I should just be able to smile and say, "Sure, yes, he was a part of my life but blah blah blah (insert something mature and unaffected here.)." For whatever reason, I'm not there. I have thought that I was there, but I'm not.
In Japan, I saw a guy that I thought was my ex and I really thought I was going to have a heart attack. No exaggerations. I had to slow the car down and take a closer look before I broke into a full blown sprint.
Last night, when John said that he was going to meet my ex, everything stopped. My brain stopped. I felt hot from the inside like I was just going to faint. And then I just panicked and listened, horrified, as the words fell out of my mouth before I could realize what an ass I was making out of myself.
I wanted to say nice stuff to this guy who I don't know who is flying off to meet my ex (his girlfriend is the ex's current wife), but I didn't. I told how he threw the bottle at my head. Controlled what I ate and wore. How I was scared of him. The mental hospital. The suicide attempt. He's been divorced before, too, and I just felt like I had to explain.
Why would I feel like that?
Maybe the counseling for me is about learning to process, more than focusing on why I do things. I feel like if I could process, maybe I wouldn't be so angry.
I was the only one not drinking last night, and I stuck to it. One of my friends said that I was stronger than she was, while others remarked, "You're STILL on a break?" and I nodded. When questioned as to why or for how long, I just shrugged. I did mention that it kept me out of trouble, but then was told that that was no fun. I take it with good humor, though. I know what's good for me.
I will be honest and say that after I found out the ex would be meeting an acquaintance of mine, I smoked a cigarette. It didn't make me feel any better, but I just wanted to do something rebellious. I am certainly happy that I was not drinking - that would have been a HUGE trigger, and I'm sure I would've headed right for the Jaeger bottle that was making the rounds.
I felt like I wanted him to be on my side. If it weren't such a fishbowl it probably wouldn't matter. I am also hoping that since the ex is a father now, he'll have softened. Let go of the hate.
I don't know why I care so much.
I wish I didn't.
When I spoke to the counselor about this whenever ago, she asked me if I regretted the break up. If that was why there were left over feelings. I said no, that wasn't the case. That I had left over feelings because of the fear and discomfort that I associated with the ex.
I don't think I've ever been that scared of anyone.
Jane Says: They'll treat me bad, but I don't mind. They'll treat me bad, they do it all the time.
What I'm realizing is that even though the medication helps me to deal with what is going on in my life CURRENTLY. I feel okay CURRENTLY, I'm not going to panic CURRENTLY, I really have no coping or processing mechanism for what happened to me in the past if I don't feel okay with it regardless of how long ago it happened.
6 years is a long time. By all accounts I feel like I should just be able to smile and say, "Sure, yes, he was a part of my life but blah blah blah (insert something mature and unaffected here.)." For whatever reason, I'm not there. I have thought that I was there, but I'm not.
In Japan, I saw a guy that I thought was my ex and I really thought I was going to have a heart attack. No exaggerations. I had to slow the car down and take a closer look before I broke into a full blown sprint.
Last night, when John said that he was going to meet my ex, everything stopped. My brain stopped. I felt hot from the inside like I was just going to faint. And then I just panicked and listened, horrified, as the words fell out of my mouth before I could realize what an ass I was making out of myself.
I wanted to say nice stuff to this guy who I don't know who is flying off to meet my ex (his girlfriend is the ex's current wife), but I didn't. I told how he threw the bottle at my head. Controlled what I ate and wore. How I was scared of him. The mental hospital. The suicide attempt. He's been divorced before, too, and I just felt like I had to explain.
Why would I feel like that?
Maybe the counseling for me is about learning to process, more than focusing on why I do things. I feel like if I could process, maybe I wouldn't be so angry.
I was the only one not drinking last night, and I stuck to it. One of my friends said that I was stronger than she was, while others remarked, "You're STILL on a break?" and I nodded. When questioned as to why or for how long, I just shrugged. I did mention that it kept me out of trouble, but then was told that that was no fun. I take it with good humor, though. I know what's good for me.
I will be honest and say that after I found out the ex would be meeting an acquaintance of mine, I smoked a cigarette. It didn't make me feel any better, but I just wanted to do something rebellious. I am certainly happy that I was not drinking - that would have been a HUGE trigger, and I'm sure I would've headed right for the Jaeger bottle that was making the rounds.
I felt like I wanted him to be on my side. If it weren't such a fishbowl it probably wouldn't matter. I am also hoping that since the ex is a father now, he'll have softened. Let go of the hate.
I don't know why I care so much.
I wish I didn't.
When I spoke to the counselor about this whenever ago, she asked me if I regretted the break up. If that was why there were left over feelings. I said no, that wasn't the case. That I had left over feelings because of the fear and discomfort that I associated with the ex.
I don't think I've ever been that scared of anyone.
Jane Says: They'll treat me bad, but I don't mind. They'll treat me bad, they do it all the time.
This entry was posted
on Monday, September 25, 2006 at 1:52 AM.
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Call me crazy, but I don't think you made an ass of yourself. Just wanting this guy to know the truth doesn't make you an ass, even if it was six years ago. I can't believe I would have done anything differently if it were me. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I think you are the only one that sees yourself in such a harsh light.
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