Blurry
Every time that I am too ashamed to post here, you all can assume that I have been drinking.
Up until now, that is. That I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone out there (no matter how anonymous) just what exactly I had done at any given time when I was drunk.
After last weekend, though, and the Antabuse, I have a different perspective. I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but hopefully I will not knowingly cause myself purposeful harm.
When I was talking to the doctor, I said that I did well when I was accountable to the counselor - I could tell her, "No, I didn't drink." But when she left? I wanted to take a break. Couldn't hurt, right? Nobody would even notice. Stupid, silly, desperate Jane.
So now the doctor has determined that I will be accountable to him. Every day. It's an exercise in humility, I'll tell you. To have to see people that you know, the nurses, and even people that you don't. The lady today? Made me show her my mouth. Wiggle my tongue around and say "ahhhhhh," LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF ALCHOLIC. Like I'm some kind of alcoholic. Like I'm some kind of alcoholic.
But me, I just laughed.
I like the taste of humble pie.
I still feel drugged, from the upping of my meds - so I would imagine that to be around me is a lot like being around a stoned person. Except I don't giggle or laugh a lot. Well, as much, anyway. I feel like a dulled knife some days, but will tell the doctor at our next appointment.
Jane Says, "You talk too much, you never shut up."
Up until now, that is. That I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone out there (no matter how anonymous) just what exactly I had done at any given time when I was drunk.
After last weekend, though, and the Antabuse, I have a different perspective. I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but hopefully I will not knowingly cause myself purposeful harm.
When I was talking to the doctor, I said that I did well when I was accountable to the counselor - I could tell her, "No, I didn't drink." But when she left? I wanted to take a break. Couldn't hurt, right? Nobody would even notice. Stupid, silly, desperate Jane.
So now the doctor has determined that I will be accountable to him. Every day. It's an exercise in humility, I'll tell you. To have to see people that you know, the nurses, and even people that you don't. The lady today? Made me show her my mouth. Wiggle my tongue around and say "ahhhhhh," LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF ALCHOLIC. Like I'm some kind of alcoholic. Like I'm some kind of alcoholic.
But me, I just laughed.
I like the taste of humble pie.
I still feel drugged, from the upping of my meds - so I would imagine that to be around me is a lot like being around a stoned person. Except I don't giggle or laugh a lot. Well, as much, anyway. I feel like a dulled knife some days, but will tell the doctor at our next appointment.
Jane Says, "You talk too much, you never shut up."
This entry was posted
on Saturday, October 07, 2006 at 7:56 PM.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
I think it's good that you determined what helped you before (telling the counselor) and are trying to make it work with the new doctor. I hope it helps.
Thanks, PG. Sometimes I wonder if I should be so "medicated", but after looking at my patterns - I knew that I had to go outside my circle.
» Post a Comment