Step 2
I'm working on Steps 2 and 3. Again. And that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up for starting over. Every life has a path. This is mine.
I will say that I was extremely frustrated with the entire thought and acceptance process yesterday. Maybe I was agitated because I had to clean out the microwave that was crawling with ants and stench after the kid said he would do it and didn't. Maybe I was agitated because I had to demonstrate that I know how to put out fires (when I don't. And I was sweaty and nervous), just in case I spontaneously combust.
Anyway.
I don't know what I was doing. But as I was trying to explain that I was indeed ready to turn my life over to God as I understand him (OR HER!) I was agitated. The wings of my little heart fluttering, beating furiously against the bumps of my ribcage. But, there was no voice. Just the beating. Flapping and flapping and pounding and pounding.
And I can't really say why.
Maybe I felt fraudulent?
I do not believe in the angry God of Jonathan Edwards. I do believe in love, openness, forgiveness, and trust. I do believe that too many events have happened in my life to be coincidental. Which means that I attribute these events to a higher power.
I do not deny the existence of God. I just know that I am still figuring out WHO or WHAT God encompasses for me. Hence, the agnostic version of the step.
"...we needed strengths beyond ourselves..."
Jane says: If you want to fly, your feet have to leave the ground.
I will say that I was extremely frustrated with the entire thought and acceptance process yesterday. Maybe I was agitated because I had to clean out the microwave that was crawling with ants and stench after the kid said he would do it and didn't. Maybe I was agitated because I had to demonstrate that I know how to put out fires (when I don't. And I was sweaty and nervous), just in case I spontaneously combust.
Anyway.
I don't know what I was doing. But as I was trying to explain that I was indeed ready to turn my life over to God as I understand him (OR HER!) I was agitated. The wings of my little heart fluttering, beating furiously against the bumps of my ribcage. But, there was no voice. Just the beating. Flapping and flapping and pounding and pounding.
And I can't really say why.
Maybe I felt fraudulent?
I do not believe in the angry God of Jonathan Edwards. I do believe in love, openness, forgiveness, and trust. I do believe that too many events have happened in my life to be coincidental. Which means that I attribute these events to a higher power.
I do not deny the existence of God. I just know that I am still figuring out WHO or WHAT God encompasses for me. Hence, the agnostic version of the step.
"...we needed strengths beyond ourselves..."
Jane says: If you want to fly, your feet have to leave the ground.
This entry was posted
on Friday, February 01, 2008 at 5:28 PM.
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J,
If you want to talk about God, let me know. It was all new to me about 2 1/2 years ago and I know about the confusion.
H
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