Day 13: The Fan
When I quit drinking, it was a conscious choice that I made to ensure that I would not be living on borrowed time any more.
It's kind of a hard thing to explain, which is probably why I have remained silent about it for so long. There are some things that you just know; this was one of them.
About 8 months ago, one of my friends killed himself by drinking and driving drunk.
When that happened, I knew that my reign of immortality was LOOOONG over. Had been long over. I was just pretending that it wasn't. Kidding myself, essentially. And we all know that I am the QUEEN of pretending that things won't/can't/didn't/shouldn't happen. Some small sliver of me knew that any time that I drank, I was placing myself in potential danger - it may not have been immediate physical danger, but I sensed that anything that I did would have consequences that were not reversible with two aspirins and an afternoon of cat naps.
I finally became aware of these consequences when a family member saw me locking lips with another individual and called me a whore. We've talked about the kissing before, it's old hat with me. "Like a junkie, with a crack habit..." My nickname in college was not "Kissing Bandit" because I thought it sounded cool. No, I earned it. Up until this point, all of the former ugliness was in the privacy of my own created hell, drama, and guilt. But to fail? So miserably? In front of family? That was the start of irreparable for me.
At 30, I decided I didn't want to engage in life altering behavior any more. I wish I could say that it makes everything better, but it doesn't. Not always. The people close to you have to see that they can't live on borrowed time any more, either. But that's not a belief you can pass on , or impose. They have to see it and want it, too.
Jane Says: If you change your mind, I'm the first in line - Honey I'm still free - Take a chance on me.
It's kind of a hard thing to explain, which is probably why I have remained silent about it for so long. There are some things that you just know; this was one of them.
About 8 months ago, one of my friends killed himself by drinking and driving drunk.
When that happened, I knew that my reign of immortality was LOOOONG over. Had been long over. I was just pretending that it wasn't. Kidding myself, essentially. And we all know that I am the QUEEN of pretending that things won't/can't/didn't/shouldn't happen. Some small sliver of me knew that any time that I drank, I was placing myself in potential danger - it may not have been immediate physical danger, but I sensed that anything that I did would have consequences that were not reversible with two aspirins and an afternoon of cat naps.
I finally became aware of these consequences when a family member saw me locking lips with another individual and called me a whore. We've talked about the kissing before, it's old hat with me. "Like a junkie, with a crack habit..." My nickname in college was not "Kissing Bandit" because I thought it sounded cool. No, I earned it. Up until this point, all of the former ugliness was in the privacy of my own created hell, drama, and guilt. But to fail? So miserably? In front of family? That was the start of irreparable for me.
At 30, I decided I didn't want to engage in life altering behavior any more. I wish I could say that it makes everything better, but it doesn't. Not always. The people close to you have to see that they can't live on borrowed time any more, either. But that's not a belief you can pass on , or impose. They have to see it and want it, too.
Jane Says: If you change your mind, I'm the first in line - Honey I'm still free - Take a chance on me.
This entry was posted
on Friday, June 02, 2006 at 5:08 PM.
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Compelling shit, here. I am reading everything you write here everyday, and I find it so open and honest. I have been doing pretty well on cutting back on drinking myself, and I think it is partly because of reading about your struggle. I don't have quite as much of a problem, but I had gone overboard a bit and was drinking pretty regularly.
J (yes, it is me)
OMG! You popped the comment cherry, J! I'm glad somebody finally said something, because alot of the struggle for me is about feeling alone, too. All I keep telling myself is one day at a time, one day at a time. That, and I drink lots of drinks in bottles. I like to pretend that I'm still a cool kid, sometimes. Thanks for speaking up. It means the world.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Jane.
PG. Harsh as it sounds, he made a choice. It ended his life, but he will be IMMORTAL to me.
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