Drowning - Day 3
It was a dark weekend for me.I made a conscious choice to drink, and ended up with my usual tricks.
When I woke up the next morning, the thought of what I had done to myself, my husband and my friends was so unbearable that I wanted to kill myself. Usually, I have had a little filter telling me to stop, or I'm preoccupied with what people think...there's always something stopping me.
I didn't feel like there was anything stopping me this time, so I went over to a friend's house, where I knew I was safe.
I remembered that earlier in the week, my sponsor had told me to get to a meeting, and I hadn't wanted to, because it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't figure that I could feel any more uncomfortable than I was at THAT MOMENT (suicidal, sick to my stomach, knowledge that I had relapsed AGAIN) so I called and found out what time the meeting was and WENT.
I cried as I sat there and poured my heart and head out, stating that I didn't know WAHT to do, and that I was lost. They said, "You HAVE to come to the meetings" and I thought, "Of course, dumbass."
I also have learned that I need to reach out for help. I could have easily picked up the phone and called someone, but I didn't. I could have come back and read the early days of this blog and remembered how I felt, but I didn't.
When I told Dick what had happened, he wasn't initially mad, but he's a lot like me, so I wasn't surprised. He said I was "nonchalant". I later told him that I hadn't wanted to pull the "boo hoo look at me" card, and that was maybe why I had seemed like I didn't care, but that was certainly not the point.
Later, he was angry, and I felt scared. He muttered an expletive at the computer and then was upset with the cat, but I thought he was really upset with me. I found myself scrambling around to try and make it better, and that made me FURIOUS.
He wanted to "fool around" later, and that made me angry as well. There is a bump on my head from last week, when he was drunk and pushed me and I smacked my head, and I kept hitting this while we were kissing, that made me furious as well, and I just got angry, again.
Wow, I am the epitome of healthy. I'll say once again that I don't like writing about this stuff, but I feel like if it's not available for me to go back and read, I'll forget what I felt like. If I forget, I'll become complacent. That's when I get in trouble.
We have a counseling session today. I hope that will help. I don't know if it will. I still haven't decided what I am going to do.Not with the not drinking- that is a constant fight for me. With the location. Maybe this place isn't the best place for me to stay sober.
Jane Says: And this house is not a home.
When I woke up the next morning, the thought of what I had done to myself, my husband and my friends was so unbearable that I wanted to kill myself. Usually, I have had a little filter telling me to stop, or I'm preoccupied with what people think...there's always something stopping me.
I didn't feel like there was anything stopping me this time, so I went over to a friend's house, where I knew I was safe.
I remembered that earlier in the week, my sponsor had told me to get to a meeting, and I hadn't wanted to, because it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't figure that I could feel any more uncomfortable than I was at THAT MOMENT (suicidal, sick to my stomach, knowledge that I had relapsed AGAIN) so I called and found out what time the meeting was and WENT.
I cried as I sat there and poured my heart and head out, stating that I didn't know WAHT to do, and that I was lost. They said, "You HAVE to come to the meetings" and I thought, "Of course, dumbass."
I also have learned that I need to reach out for help. I could have easily picked up the phone and called someone, but I didn't. I could have come back and read the early days of this blog and remembered how I felt, but I didn't.
When I told Dick what had happened, he wasn't initially mad, but he's a lot like me, so I wasn't surprised. He said I was "nonchalant". I later told him that I hadn't wanted to pull the "boo hoo look at me" card, and that was maybe why I had seemed like I didn't care, but that was certainly not the point.
Later, he was angry, and I felt scared. He muttered an expletive at the computer and then was upset with the cat, but I thought he was really upset with me. I found myself scrambling around to try and make it better, and that made me FURIOUS.
He wanted to "fool around" later, and that made me angry as well. There is a bump on my head from last week, when he was drunk and pushed me and I smacked my head, and I kept hitting this while we were kissing, that made me furious as well, and I just got angry, again.
Wow, I am the epitome of healthy. I'll say once again that I don't like writing about this stuff, but I feel like if it's not available for me to go back and read, I'll forget what I felt like. If I forget, I'll become complacent. That's when I get in trouble.
We have a counseling session today. I hope that will help. I don't know if it will. I still haven't decided what I am going to do.Not with the not drinking- that is a constant fight for me. With the location. Maybe this place isn't the best place for me to stay sober.
Jane Says: And this house is not a home.
Labels: AA, binge drinking, relapse
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on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 1:13 PM.
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