Day 14: The Fall
Apologies about the cryptic post; there are some things that are going in my life that I don't feel like I'm at liberty to talk about because I am not the SOLE owner of them. They affect me, but I'm not the only one involved.
Last night, I went to visit Dick at his place of work - the restaurant. As I walked in, there were four of the waitresses sitting at the bar. Two I know. Two are new. Meeting new girls is always nerve-wracking for me. Particularly when I am not drinking. I am automatically preparing myself to be sized up. And I was. There's a new bartender, who works side by side with my husband all night. I know that girls can be territorial about men - she strikes me as this type.
As if on cue, she looked me up and down sizing me up before she introduced herself. Next to her sat a shot, all pink and potent, and I wanted to grab it from her and force it down my throat to absorb the attitude that I seem to think it possesses.
I left it alone, but it made it CRYSTAL clear to me that I am not prepared to be out in a social environment with people I don't know or feel intimidated by. Without alcohol, I feel awkward, unattractive, halting. With alcohol, I feel like I ROCK THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE, BABY! In reality, I know that nothing is farther from the truth, but it's just how I feel. That will be another step for me, I guess. Getting used to being out in social situations sans AL and his soothing powers.
When I quit drinking last, I realize that I secluded myself. I didn't go out. I didn't dance. I didn't meet new people. Namely, I abstained from not only alcohol, but all the situations that I used it for. I don't think that I'll be truly comfortable until I learn how to function in these VERY SAME situations without Al. It was kind of like taking a break from my life and deluding myself into thinking that I had it under control.
I also realized today that I LIKE being altered. I LIKE feeling the wine slide down my throat and the softening of my seemingly always tense shoulders and relaxation of my face. Which leads me to wonder if I'll develop a serious pot addiction. If I didn't hate the paranoia that inevitably accompanies it for me, I'd be smoking a joint right now. I've been so tense lately that my right shoulder and neck are in constant pain, no matter how I rub it or twist or turn. Sometimes I just want to be out. Life for me will continue, I told Dick today, when I learn how to achieve that level of relaxation without chemicals. Ommmmmm...Ommmmm...
It's kind of discouraging finding out HOW dependent I was on AL to get me through social situations. And, the thought of NEVER drinking red wine again STILL makes me want to cry. This too shall pass. It better. AND SOON, DAMNIT.
Jane Says: It's a long way down...
Last night, I went to visit Dick at his place of work - the restaurant. As I walked in, there were four of the waitresses sitting at the bar. Two I know. Two are new. Meeting new girls is always nerve-wracking for me. Particularly when I am not drinking. I am automatically preparing myself to be sized up. And I was. There's a new bartender, who works side by side with my husband all night. I know that girls can be territorial about men - she strikes me as this type.
As if on cue, she looked me up and down sizing me up before she introduced herself. Next to her sat a shot, all pink and potent, and I wanted to grab it from her and force it down my throat to absorb the attitude that I seem to think it possesses.
I left it alone, but it made it CRYSTAL clear to me that I am not prepared to be out in a social environment with people I don't know or feel intimidated by. Without alcohol, I feel awkward, unattractive, halting. With alcohol, I feel like I ROCK THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE, BABY! In reality, I know that nothing is farther from the truth, but it's just how I feel. That will be another step for me, I guess. Getting used to being out in social situations sans AL and his soothing powers.
When I quit drinking last, I realize that I secluded myself. I didn't go out. I didn't dance. I didn't meet new people. Namely, I abstained from not only alcohol, but all the situations that I used it for. I don't think that I'll be truly comfortable until I learn how to function in these VERY SAME situations without Al. It was kind of like taking a break from my life and deluding myself into thinking that I had it under control.
I also realized today that I LIKE being altered. I LIKE feeling the wine slide down my throat and the softening of my seemingly always tense shoulders and relaxation of my face. Which leads me to wonder if I'll develop a serious pot addiction. If I didn't hate the paranoia that inevitably accompanies it for me, I'd be smoking a joint right now. I've been so tense lately that my right shoulder and neck are in constant pain, no matter how I rub it or twist or turn. Sometimes I just want to be out. Life for me will continue, I told Dick today, when I learn how to achieve that level of relaxation without chemicals. Ommmmmm...Ommmmm...
It's kind of discouraging finding out HOW dependent I was on AL to get me through social situations. And, the thought of NEVER drinking red wine again STILL makes me want to cry. This too shall pass. It better. AND SOON, DAMNIT.
Jane Says: It's a long way down...
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on Saturday, June 03, 2006 at 5:09 PM.
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