Starting All Over Again
I feel ugly and stupid right now. I don't really want to write about it, but I said that I would document everything truthfully, so here it is.
When I went to see my friend, I drank AGAIN. Way more than I should have. I did the same thing that I have been doing for so long that I don't know how to stop myself from doing it.
It was a difficult situation for me, being around a bunch of people who want you to "Drink, DRINK! DRINK!" so you can be more fun, without really knowing how harmful I am to myself when I do it.
It entailed having to tell Dick that I was drunk, again. That I kissed another boy, again. That I was an asshole, again. I don't understand WHY I do this to myself. After realizing that I would not be able to stop drinking if I stayed there, I just had to come home.
I drove home and told my mom that I was going to have to leave Dick because I lied to him about choosing him over alcohol. I said that I was many things, but that I wasn't a liar. I don't want to be a liar.
My mom said not to make rash decisions, and that I needed to be able to pick myself and dust myself off as many times as I needed to. That I was allowed, that nobody is perfect.
She also said that I needed to find out what is driving me to seek this kind of attention from other people. And that a professional could help. She said perhaps a lot of this was with me from birth, that my behavior was a lot like my grandmother's - which was shocking to me, as I have never seen her in that light.
I said that I felt like if even 1 person knew EVERYTHING about me, that they would find it far too ugly to *really like* me.
I said that was why I had kept teaching for so long, because those kids kept me sane, and I felt like they needed me, day after day after day.
She said that she needed me, and my dad needed me, and my grandma needed me, and so did Dick. She also said that they wanted me, and that there was a big difference between the two.
I drink when I feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable a lot. The more uncomfortable I feel, the more I drink. The more I drink, the more uncomfortable I feel the next morning.
When I feel comfortable, here, I have no problems not drinking because I am okay.
I don't know how to do this.
I love my husband. I just feel like there's a black hole, sometimes, and I don't know where that feeling comes from.
I registered myself for counseling the other day. They should call me sometime early next week.
I'm trying to get my priorities straight. Myself straight.
Just save it, because I already know.
Jane Says: That I would be good, even if I lost myself.
When I went to see my friend, I drank AGAIN. Way more than I should have. I did the same thing that I have been doing for so long that I don't know how to stop myself from doing it.
It was a difficult situation for me, being around a bunch of people who want you to "Drink, DRINK! DRINK!" so you can be more fun, without really knowing how harmful I am to myself when I do it.
It entailed having to tell Dick that I was drunk, again. That I kissed another boy, again. That I was an asshole, again. I don't understand WHY I do this to myself. After realizing that I would not be able to stop drinking if I stayed there, I just had to come home.
I drove home and told my mom that I was going to have to leave Dick because I lied to him about choosing him over alcohol. I said that I was many things, but that I wasn't a liar. I don't want to be a liar.
My mom said not to make rash decisions, and that I needed to be able to pick myself and dust myself off as many times as I needed to. That I was allowed, that nobody is perfect.
She also said that I needed to find out what is driving me to seek this kind of attention from other people. And that a professional could help. She said perhaps a lot of this was with me from birth, that my behavior was a lot like my grandmother's - which was shocking to me, as I have never seen her in that light.
I said that I felt like if even 1 person knew EVERYTHING about me, that they would find it far too ugly to *really like* me.
I said that was why I had kept teaching for so long, because those kids kept me sane, and I felt like they needed me, day after day after day.
She said that she needed me, and my dad needed me, and my grandma needed me, and so did Dick. She also said that they wanted me, and that there was a big difference between the two.
I drink when I feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable a lot. The more uncomfortable I feel, the more I drink. The more I drink, the more uncomfortable I feel the next morning.
When I feel comfortable, here, I have no problems not drinking because I am okay.
I don't know how to do this.
I love my husband. I just feel like there's a black hole, sometimes, and I don't know where that feeling comes from.
I registered myself for counseling the other day. They should call me sometime early next week.
I'm trying to get my priorities straight. Myself straight.
Just save it, because I already know.
Jane Says: That I would be good, even if I lost myself.
This entry was posted
on Saturday, July 08, 2006 at 7:48 AM.
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Sweetie...
You are good. You're dealing. Sometimes we fall. We just need to get up again. You're facing all of this -head on- and that means something right there.
Baby steps. There come times when one has to create some distance from the people that do not help us be better, be all the good that we can be. Sadly, they do us a disservice.
Drop me a line, OK, whenever you need to. :)
Much love~
I hope the counseling helps you feel better about yourself and about everything else, too. I think you're doing a great job of trying to fix things you don't like. it's really, really hard to do.
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