Day 35: Resentful
What's that saying? Relatives and fish start to smell after three days?
Staying at my mom's has been great, but I feel like she's starting to resent me. With her mother in the house, the tension is constant, regardless of the situation. Each one walking on eggshells, because they don't know when the other one will go off.
I don't know if she wants me to go out and work with her at the old house. I wanted to go to the gym. I didn't get to go yesterday, because I was "lounging" as she put it. I don't really think having a very precocious, very active 5 year old following you around and trying to keep my grandmother fed and happy is "lounging", but so be it.
I don't really feel like it is my place to say anything because she has been taking care of my grandmother nearly single-handedly since her stroke a year and a half ago, but sometimes I think she loses the ability to be objective about things.
Yesterday, my cousin came over to retrieve a trunk; she got the wrong one. My mom was upset, she couldn't believe that her younger sister had come over and helped herself. She thought they would correct the situation last night. When they didn't, she was short with and hung up on my Aunt.
In situations like this. I have no idea what to do. My instinct is to try and placate, but instead I say nothing, because I hope it will just drift over. After her accident, she was focused on her "stuff" to the point where I just didn't want to touch it because I was afraid I would set her off.
I got the idea that she wanted me to protect her things. "You should've told them I wasn't here. That I would be back later," she commented. My aunt knew my mother wasn't there. I think it was more of an efficiency thing. There was no malicious intent behind it. But I don't know. I try not to read too much into these things.
I believe interactions like this are the primary reason that I don't like to live up here. Situations like this stress me out so much that I just make myself sick. I try and think about what is best for others and how to present it and just end up with a stomach in knots.
I also find myself having higher expectations for my family. The other day, my cousin used the word "colored", which really bothered me, considering how intelligent he is. Also, remarks are constantly made about black people using the Seneca word for "black". It's not derogatory, but the fact that there is no love lost between the black people and the red people gives it an unkind edge.
I personally don't think American Indians have any right to be racist; I also do not understand minority tendency to alienate other ethnic backgrounds. I think it's ridiculous. Hate only hurts (however indirectly) the person putting the energy into it * HYPOCRITE ALERT. HYPOCRITE ALERT!!!*
Speaking of hate, I said that I wouldn't touch a drink until I stopped feeling so angry. Obviously I have issues, but today, as I was driving home, I heard a song that reminded me of someone I used to know. I felt really angry when I heard that he had killed himself - he was so horrible to me, and really pushed me over the edge several times, and then he just copped out? - but today, I just felt...calm. Sad that he didn't have the same people that I did helping me get past whatever it was that made me want to end my life.
And, on the not drinking. I am less anxious around people who don't drink. I am free to sit there and enjoy the company without thinking, "When can I leave and drink? Will they think less of me if I drink? When can I get a drink? Why don't they drink? I NEED A DRINK! Why are they talking about this? WHERE THE HELL IS MY DRINK?" Don't get me wrong, I am still SOCIALLY INEPT and say the wrong things, but the focus has shifted.
I hope that when my gramma gets her own place, the resentment (which I may be imagining) will dissipate. I know my mom doesn't want to impose on me, but really all she has to do is ask. I know that I should be able to anticipate some things, but I don't want to make her mad, so I wait until she tells me what she wants. And sometimes I am afraid that I forget what she asked me. Last summer or the summer before, she thought I was ignoring her on purpose when really, I'm just absentminded.
Jane Says: And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.
Staying at my mom's has been great, but I feel like she's starting to resent me. With her mother in the house, the tension is constant, regardless of the situation. Each one walking on eggshells, because they don't know when the other one will go off.
I don't know if she wants me to go out and work with her at the old house. I wanted to go to the gym. I didn't get to go yesterday, because I was "lounging" as she put it. I don't really think having a very precocious, very active 5 year old following you around and trying to keep my grandmother fed and happy is "lounging", but so be it.
I don't really feel like it is my place to say anything because she has been taking care of my grandmother nearly single-handedly since her stroke a year and a half ago, but sometimes I think she loses the ability to be objective about things.
Yesterday, my cousin came over to retrieve a trunk; she got the wrong one. My mom was upset, she couldn't believe that her younger sister had come over and helped herself. She thought they would correct the situation last night. When they didn't, she was short with and hung up on my Aunt.
In situations like this. I have no idea what to do. My instinct is to try and placate, but instead I say nothing, because I hope it will just drift over. After her accident, she was focused on her "stuff" to the point where I just didn't want to touch it because I was afraid I would set her off.
I got the idea that she wanted me to protect her things. "You should've told them I wasn't here. That I would be back later," she commented. My aunt knew my mother wasn't there. I think it was more of an efficiency thing. There was no malicious intent behind it. But I don't know. I try not to read too much into these things.
I believe interactions like this are the primary reason that I don't like to live up here. Situations like this stress me out so much that I just make myself sick. I try and think about what is best for others and how to present it and just end up with a stomach in knots.
I also find myself having higher expectations for my family. The other day, my cousin used the word "colored", which really bothered me, considering how intelligent he is. Also, remarks are constantly made about black people using the Seneca word for "black". It's not derogatory, but the fact that there is no love lost between the black people and the red people gives it an unkind edge.
I personally don't think American Indians have any right to be racist; I also do not understand minority tendency to alienate other ethnic backgrounds. I think it's ridiculous. Hate only hurts (however indirectly) the person putting the energy into it * HYPOCRITE ALERT. HYPOCRITE ALERT!!!*
Speaking of hate, I said that I wouldn't touch a drink until I stopped feeling so angry. Obviously I have issues, but today, as I was driving home, I heard a song that reminded me of someone I used to know. I felt really angry when I heard that he had killed himself - he was so horrible to me, and really pushed me over the edge several times, and then he just copped out? - but today, I just felt...calm. Sad that he didn't have the same people that I did helping me get past whatever it was that made me want to end my life.
And, on the not drinking. I am less anxious around people who don't drink. I am free to sit there and enjoy the company without thinking, "When can I leave and drink? Will they think less of me if I drink? When can I get a drink? Why don't they drink? I NEED A DRINK! Why are they talking about this? WHERE THE HELL IS MY DRINK?" Don't get me wrong, I am still SOCIALLY INEPT and say the wrong things, but the focus has shifted.
I hope that when my gramma gets her own place, the resentment (which I may be imagining) will dissipate. I know my mom doesn't want to impose on me, but really all she has to do is ask. I know that I should be able to anticipate some things, but I don't want to make her mad, so I wait until she tells me what she wants. And sometimes I am afraid that I forget what she asked me. Last summer or the summer before, she thought I was ignoring her on purpose when really, I'm just absentminded.
Jane Says: And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.
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on Sunday, June 25, 2006 at 9:10 AM.
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