Day 31: Week Days
Which I just accidentally spelled "Weed Days" - Hello, Freud?
As my mom and I were driving back from a dinner last night, she asked me if I was going to go to counseling. "I don't know," I exhaled. "Where would I start? I don't have any immediate issues, and I don't think I would benefit from something short term."
Am I making excuses? I don't think so. I went to counseling for about 2 months before I jumped ship the first time. I was nowhere near finished - I ended up on Paxil. Took myself off it, and tried to kill myself with under the sink concoctions and what I had left of the Happy Pills. Obviously, it didn't work.
I could tell from the tone of her voice that she wasn't quite sure what to make of my decision, but she didn't verbalize any of those thoughts.
"I'm just angry,"I admitted. "Either something is working out for him, or something is working out for me..."
"...but it never works out for the both of you," she finished.
"What if it doesn't start working out for you until you stop being angry?" she questioned.
"I don't really think that has anything to do with it, " I answered. I could feel the hot start, and knew I would have to cut it off, if I didn't want to burst into tears. "I didn't get overlooked by ABC company because I was angry. That other job had nothing to do with anger, either. Ditto on my health insurance not covering baby surgery. It's all circumstantial."
"You're right," she agreed.
Maybe she was just humoring me, I don't know.
*********************************************************************
I find myself a lot more sensitive, sober. Dick didn't call me when he got up this morning. When I wanted to know what he was doing, he said he was watching soccer. "Why didn't you call me?"
"Well, what if I was asleep?" "But you weren't." Something so miniscule, yet I feel as if I have been snubbed, forgotten.
It's an unfair balance, considering that last night, I jokingly told him I was trading him in on a younger model. Hello, my name is Jane and I am a HUGE HYPOCRITE.
But maybe I feel this way because my mom gave me something to stave off the sneezing and itching and watering. When I was little and took medicine, my family all ran the other way, because I'd get the green meanies. Today, I just feel stupid. Literally. HAZY FOGGY.
Jane Says: Everyone knows I'm in over my head.
As my mom and I were driving back from a dinner last night, she asked me if I was going to go to counseling. "I don't know," I exhaled. "Where would I start? I don't have any immediate issues, and I don't think I would benefit from something short term."
Am I making excuses? I don't think so. I went to counseling for about 2 months before I jumped ship the first time. I was nowhere near finished - I ended up on Paxil. Took myself off it, and tried to kill myself with under the sink concoctions and what I had left of the Happy Pills. Obviously, it didn't work.
I could tell from the tone of her voice that she wasn't quite sure what to make of my decision, but she didn't verbalize any of those thoughts.
"I'm just angry,"I admitted. "Either something is working out for him, or something is working out for me..."
"...but it never works out for the both of you," she finished.
"What if it doesn't start working out for you until you stop being angry?" she questioned.
"I don't really think that has anything to do with it, " I answered. I could feel the hot start, and knew I would have to cut it off, if I didn't want to burst into tears. "I didn't get overlooked by ABC company because I was angry. That other job had nothing to do with anger, either. Ditto on my health insurance not covering baby surgery. It's all circumstantial."
"You're right," she agreed.
Maybe she was just humoring me, I don't know.
*********************************************************************
I find myself a lot more sensitive, sober. Dick didn't call me when he got up this morning. When I wanted to know what he was doing, he said he was watching soccer. "Why didn't you call me?"
"Well, what if I was asleep?" "But you weren't." Something so miniscule, yet I feel as if I have been snubbed, forgotten.
It's an unfair balance, considering that last night, I jokingly told him I was trading him in on a younger model. Hello, my name is Jane and I am a HUGE HYPOCRITE.
But maybe I feel this way because my mom gave me something to stave off the sneezing and itching and watering. When I was little and took medicine, my family all ran the other way, because I'd get the green meanies. Today, I just feel stupid. Literally. HAZY FOGGY.
Jane Says: Everyone knows I'm in over my head.
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