Day 31: McSummer and Such
It's kind of crazy, the ups and downs I feel here. When we went out to dinner on Saturday to celebrate Father's Day, I WAS DYING for some wine. Or rather, I was put out that I couldn't have wine. I wanted to have some wine. But I know that if I start flirting with that safety net that can only hold me until I drink myself into something stupid, I'll be right where I was before. Namely, wreaking havoc and having others take my name.
When there is no alcohol present, I don't even think about it. Yes, the other day when it was a kajillion bazillionty degrees and the sweat was dripping off in gallons I thought that I would like a nice, cool, beer; I had a nice, cool, popsicle instead. If you eat it fast the resulting brain freeze is like a buzz. Tastes great less filling, yes?
Realizing that I feel guilty when I reveal too much of myself to people has steadied my desire to remain sober. I always feel like I have to be careful about how much I divulge. You know that Alanis Morrissette song? Where she croons "Are you still mad...that I had an emotional affair? Of course you are." Those words scare the shit out of me. I'm always trying to explain myself to people for whatever reason...I end up allowing them access to some parts of me that are best left unknown and unopened. Not an emotional affair, but access that maybe I only want Dick to have.
I am still grappling with the idea of going to counseling. I mean, where would I start? What IS bothering me, exactly? Immediately? 1.) Why do I seek validation from old relationships? They were primarily with boys when I was younger, and that can put me in a precarious position, because now they are men, and it wouldn't be proper or respectful to my husband to continue the sort of relationships that I had with them back then. College friendships are often more involved than adult relationships, I've found. I wouldn't walk home and smoke a bowl with a friend today while Dick was waiting for me at home. I didn't think twice about it in college.
Stroller brigade is rolling by. Seems like everyone's having babies these days.
Height of uncomfortable: Tonight I will be attending a senior dinner for kids from around here who finished high school. At least it's dark in there. Maybe my Socially Inept cape will blend in.
Jane Says: There's nothing I hate more than nothing. Nothing keeps me up at night. I toss and turn over nothing. Nothing could cause a great, big, FIGHT.
When there is no alcohol present, I don't even think about it. Yes, the other day when it was a kajillion bazillionty degrees and the sweat was dripping off in gallons I thought that I would like a nice, cool, beer; I had a nice, cool, popsicle instead. If you eat it fast the resulting brain freeze is like a buzz. Tastes great less filling, yes?
Realizing that I feel guilty when I reveal too much of myself to people has steadied my desire to remain sober. I always feel like I have to be careful about how much I divulge. You know that Alanis Morrissette song? Where she croons "Are you still mad...that I had an emotional affair? Of course you are." Those words scare the shit out of me. I'm always trying to explain myself to people for whatever reason...I end up allowing them access to some parts of me that are best left unknown and unopened. Not an emotional affair, but access that maybe I only want Dick to have.
I am still grappling with the idea of going to counseling. I mean, where would I start? What IS bothering me, exactly? Immediately? 1.) Why do I seek validation from old relationships? They were primarily with boys when I was younger, and that can put me in a precarious position, because now they are men, and it wouldn't be proper or respectful to my husband to continue the sort of relationships that I had with them back then. College friendships are often more involved than adult relationships, I've found. I wouldn't walk home and smoke a bowl with a friend today while Dick was waiting for me at home. I didn't think twice about it in college.
Stroller brigade is rolling by. Seems like everyone's having babies these days.
Height of uncomfortable: Tonight I will be attending a senior dinner for kids from around here who finished high school. At least it's dark in there. Maybe my Socially Inept cape will blend in.
Jane Says: There's nothing I hate more than nothing. Nothing keeps me up at night. I toss and turn over nothing. Nothing could cause a great, big, FIGHT.
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on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 at 9:28 AM.
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I love you, SO MUCH.
Thanks, Rose.
I love you, too.
The thing I found comforting about therapy was the ability to talk about anything. It was almost free form. And it was cathartic.
One of the few things I remember from my psych classes was that the best benefit from psychotherapy was that the patient usually came to realize what was bothering them...completely on their own.
Give it a shot, J.
H
What, and rob you people of my craziness? NEVER. I keed. I know I would probably benefit, but I just can't bring myself to go HERE. It makes my separation from Dick too permanent (no pun intended).
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