Day 30: Ennui
I'm not really bored, just kind of, well, I don't know if there's a word for it, really. I'm not resigned, because I don't know what I'm doing yet. I'm just here, for now.
My dad has gone on some travels for awhile, meaning that I will not feel tempted to grab his wine out of his hand whilst we are at dinner and guzzle it like a big mean thirsty bear. Which I didn't. Not having Al coursing through my veins has done wonders for my restraint!
The bizarre thing is that I feel guilty for strange things now. With the absence of alcohol in my life, I feel guilty whenever I feel that I am exposing too much of myself to people. In discussing family matters, for example. When I was growing up picturing a family, it was never with two angry boys that are not from me who hate me. "Out of my sphere of influence" has become my mantra.
But suffice it to say that I feel the sting of Dick's absence. When he's not with them, he calls me 20 times a day. Wants to know what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what I ate. Maintains that life line that has kept the two of us together through some trying times. When he is with them, I get...not enough. He says that I need to share him. Which makes me feel scolded and snubbed. But I've shared him with golf and with his cars, so this should be cake. Right?
Sometimes when things like this happen, when nothing that we have set up for ourselves within the last five years (our total time of being together) goes as planned, I wonder to myself, "Am I in the right life?" I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can only put snippets together, like not drinking, and helping out where I'm needed - but surely this can't be it.
Jane Says: We are Family. I've got all my sisters with me.
My dad has gone on some travels for awhile, meaning that I will not feel tempted to grab his wine out of his hand whilst we are at dinner and guzzle it like a big mean thirsty bear. Which I didn't. Not having Al coursing through my veins has done wonders for my restraint!
The bizarre thing is that I feel guilty for strange things now. With the absence of alcohol in my life, I feel guilty whenever I feel that I am exposing too much of myself to people. In discussing family matters, for example. When I was growing up picturing a family, it was never with two angry boys that are not from me who hate me. "Out of my sphere of influence" has become my mantra.
But suffice it to say that I feel the sting of Dick's absence. When he's not with them, he calls me 20 times a day. Wants to know what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what I ate. Maintains that life line that has kept the two of us together through some trying times. When he is with them, I get...not enough. He says that I need to share him. Which makes me feel scolded and snubbed. But I've shared him with golf and with his cars, so this should be cake. Right?
Sometimes when things like this happen, when nothing that we have set up for ourselves within the last five years (our total time of being together) goes as planned, I wonder to myself, "Am I in the right life?" I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can only put snippets together, like not drinking, and helping out where I'm needed - but surely this can't be it.
Jane Says: We are Family. I've got all my sisters with me.
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on Monday, June 19, 2006 at 6:56 AM.
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