November
I am really and truly embararrassed that I haven't been keeping up with this like I wanted to. I just find myself so busy that I collapse into bed exhausted in the evening and pass out, sans the help of any type of, um, assistance.
I do know that it has been too long between blog entries when I remember that I have to cut my finger nails again because they are hindering my typing (gasp!). Hello, Princess 911?
I'm not even going to try and lie about this month, because it has been very, very difficult. My medication has been ALL OVER THE BOARD, and so have I. At one point I was so drugged up that I didn't even want to get on my main mode of transportation (my legs), because I was so damn wobbly. In my fucking flip flops! Don't even ask me about the bike, because y'all don't want to go there.
About this time, I really started struggling with the idea of being medicated. I think some people revel in it. Make it their excuse and oh god, I did not want to be that girl. I have friends and acquaintances who use it as a shield to intentionally hurt and harass other people and bruise other people and I believe that is crossing the line. And I? I walk the line. Yes, I am giggling unstoppingly in my tribute to Johnny Cash. But I will say that my intention has never been to hurt or hide. The realization that I was doing both indicated that I need to take another look. Wait a minute, Mr. Postman.
Quitting drinking also means coming to terms with speculation. "Are you going out this weekend?" a friend asked. "No, I'm taking it easy." She laughed. "I saw you stumbling around last weekend." "What?! I haven't had a drink in over a month!" She just giggles, obviously my proclamations of sobriety are in vain. Yes, the Lexapro has made me loose. Not the grey goose, as Fergie would contest. But me, I've been a Lime and Tonic girl as of late. These remarks, made unintentionally and innnocently are a realization of just how far I have to go.
So I plunge into my work and my relationships. Commiting 10 hour days and more of myself than to which I am accustomed. But I am finding that both are good for me. Both physically and emotionally.
Sometimes I feel like the little engine that could, just chug chug chuggin' along on my bicycle, clearing my head as I ride home in the full moon to my BQ that is ridiculously crowded with dh and all that I adore, but I am happy.
I don't know the last time I said that.
I thought last night that it must be so amazing being a young child here, because there are so many open hands and smiling faces. It's like that if you're an adult, too.
Jane Says "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine (know what? I just typed 'shit' there. I am still ME.").
I do know that it has been too long between blog entries when I remember that I have to cut my finger nails again because they are hindering my typing (gasp!). Hello, Princess 911?
I'm not even going to try and lie about this month, because it has been very, very difficult. My medication has been ALL OVER THE BOARD, and so have I. At one point I was so drugged up that I didn't even want to get on my main mode of transportation (my legs), because I was so damn wobbly. In my fucking flip flops! Don't even ask me about the bike, because y'all don't want to go there.
About this time, I really started struggling with the idea of being medicated. I think some people revel in it. Make it their excuse and oh god, I did not want to be that girl. I have friends and acquaintances who use it as a shield to intentionally hurt and harass other people and bruise other people and I believe that is crossing the line. And I? I walk the line. Yes, I am giggling unstoppingly in my tribute to Johnny Cash. But I will say that my intention has never been to hurt or hide. The realization that I was doing both indicated that I need to take another look. Wait a minute, Mr. Postman.
Quitting drinking also means coming to terms with speculation. "Are you going out this weekend?" a friend asked. "No, I'm taking it easy." She laughed. "I saw you stumbling around last weekend." "What?! I haven't had a drink in over a month!" She just giggles, obviously my proclamations of sobriety are in vain. Yes, the Lexapro has made me loose. Not the grey goose, as Fergie would contest. But me, I've been a Lime and Tonic girl as of late. These remarks, made unintentionally and innnocently are a realization of just how far I have to go.
So I plunge into my work and my relationships. Commiting 10 hour days and more of myself than to which I am accustomed. But I am finding that both are good for me. Both physically and emotionally.
Sometimes I feel like the little engine that could, just chug chug chuggin' along on my bicycle, clearing my head as I ride home in the full moon to my BQ that is ridiculously crowded with dh and all that I adore, but I am happy.
I don't know the last time I said that.
I thought last night that it must be so amazing being a young child here, because there are so many open hands and smiling faces. It's like that if you're an adult, too.
Jane Says "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine (know what? I just typed 'shit' there. I am still ME.").
This entry was posted
on Saturday, November 04, 2006 at 1:52 PM.
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Keep on keepin up with it!
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