Culmination
Yesterday I went to my first meeting with all women. It wasn't planned; it just worked out that way. We listened to a Big Book discussion enumerating specifics of the content. I find it hard to recall what was said, only know that it was pertinent and funny.
I find myself doing that lately, often, indicating that I am still burnt out from the holidays. Or perhaps that I should just high step it back to the gym. I have a hard time wanting to go because I don't want to see S. The one who told everyone I was on Antabuse and then denied it. I also know that he knows about M, and that makes it hard to stomach as well. I'll have to see him sooner or later, but please just let me pull the covers over my head a little bit longer.
I have been reading, as of late, only non-alcoholic literature. The Grapevine, an AA "meeting in a book", as well as the countless stories from the Big Book. Although I thought they would get redundant after awhile (how many different kinds of alcoholics ARE there?!) they don't. Each one is new and educational in some way. At first I scoured the book looking for someone who had recovered who was like me. I.e, didn't get into too much trouble, could go for months at a time without a drink, but when s/he drank to get drunk it was INSTANT trouble. I found several. And I was instantly comforted.
Part of what I've gleaned from AA is that the alcoholic has a difficult time accepting the he or she cannot drink like his or her peer group, therefore alienating those who were seeking acceptance in the first place. What AA does is provides a place of fellowship where that one individual can feel like hundreds and literally thousands of other people. I can see why it works.
I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't pick apart and analyze everything. I have to admit that I find the fully male language of PART 1 a little frustrating, but then I figure I can pull what my advisor from my 1st year of college did and insert "she" or "her" for pronouns. That just seems to make their absence more apparent, though, and then I think I'm just being ridiculous.
I've done really well at not drinking. Yes, I think it would be nice to have a beer (in the heat) or especially some wine, but I realize that is just not an option for me. Since it is NOT an option, I just ignore it. Yesterday, I even cleaned up after Dick and his friends (picking up and disposing of their beer bottles) without so much as a pang of regret. It was nice for a change. There have been times when I have wanted to rip the drink out or somebody else's hand and claim it for my own.
I hear another AA'er talk about returning to the club, and not being ready for it, and I can relate. I don't know that I'll ever go back. I tired quickly of people literally trying to shove alcohol in my hand and not accepting "no" for answer. I'm all about fighting the good fight, but this was just bordering on insanity. I used to be one of those people who wanted you to drink with me so we could have "fun" together, and I hope that I was never as disrespectful about a person's choice not to drink as people are to me. It is frustrating and tiring, and a large part of the reason I won't go back. My friends respect this, and it's just easier for me to hang around them, thankfully.
I am ecstatic that it is the start of the weekend today - I could use the breather.
I find myself doing that lately, often, indicating that I am still burnt out from the holidays. Or perhaps that I should just high step it back to the gym. I have a hard time wanting to go because I don't want to see S. The one who told everyone I was on Antabuse and then denied it. I also know that he knows about M, and that makes it hard to stomach as well. I'll have to see him sooner or later, but please just let me pull the covers over my head a little bit longer.
I have been reading, as of late, only non-alcoholic literature. The Grapevine, an AA "meeting in a book", as well as the countless stories from the Big Book. Although I thought they would get redundant after awhile (how many different kinds of alcoholics ARE there?!) they don't. Each one is new and educational in some way. At first I scoured the book looking for someone who had recovered who was like me. I.e, didn't get into too much trouble, could go for months at a time without a drink, but when s/he drank to get drunk it was INSTANT trouble. I found several. And I was instantly comforted.
Part of what I've gleaned from AA is that the alcoholic has a difficult time accepting the he or she cannot drink like his or her peer group, therefore alienating those who were seeking acceptance in the first place. What AA does is provides a place of fellowship where that one individual can feel like hundreds and literally thousands of other people. I can see why it works.
I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't pick apart and analyze everything. I have to admit that I find the fully male language of PART 1 a little frustrating, but then I figure I can pull what my advisor from my 1st year of college did and insert "she" or "her" for pronouns. That just seems to make their absence more apparent, though, and then I think I'm just being ridiculous.
I've done really well at not drinking. Yes, I think it would be nice to have a beer (in the heat) or especially some wine, but I realize that is just not an option for me. Since it is NOT an option, I just ignore it. Yesterday, I even cleaned up after Dick and his friends (picking up and disposing of their beer bottles) without so much as a pang of regret. It was nice for a change. There have been times when I have wanted to rip the drink out or somebody else's hand and claim it for my own.
I hear another AA'er talk about returning to the club, and not being ready for it, and I can relate. I don't know that I'll ever go back. I tired quickly of people literally trying to shove alcohol in my hand and not accepting "no" for answer. I'm all about fighting the good fight, but this was just bordering on insanity. I used to be one of those people who wanted you to drink with me so we could have "fun" together, and I hope that I was never as disrespectful about a person's choice not to drink as people are to me. It is frustrating and tiring, and a large part of the reason I won't go back. My friends respect this, and it's just easier for me to hang around them, thankfully.
I am ecstatic that it is the start of the weekend today - I could use the breather.
This entry was posted
on Friday, January 12, 2007 at 2:03 PM.
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I think there are a lot of people out there like you- that are not people that have to drink every day or even every month, but when they start they cannot stop. I know a few like that myself, and it seems the only way for people with that trait to be successful is to not start drinking at all.
My friend that I have told you about who got in so much trouble and lost her job from one instance of drinking too much is now being prosecuted in federal court for what happened when she got behind the wheel drunk on federal property. She has lost nearly everything, but I am still not sure she has learned her lesson. Maybe it will take jail time for her to truly understand that she should not drink. She knows not to drive after drinking, but the trouble is that after only one drink her inhibitions are gone and she keeps drinking and eventually blacks out and then drives. I have seen her get to this point on several occasions.
You are much smarter than she is, and you are not going to let this happen to you. For that I applaud you. It takes a lot to admit that there is a problem and move forward to address it.
Jen,
I agree that there are a lot of people out there like me. I remember talking about your friend, and I feel awful for her. The only good thing that could come out of this is if she found AA. If she drinks for the same reasons that I do, I think that she will find comfort in a large group of people that identify with her. I have found comfort when I go to meetings and have people that are accepting no matter what I say. I hope everything works out for her.
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