Day 4
Yesterday, Dick and I went to counseling together. Although we were able to talk about it later (which is good!), I think I later described it as a "train wreck". I was so emotionally upset when we walked out of there that I had to go home and fix my make up before I went back to work.
When the counselor asked us who wanted to start, we both sat there like bumps on a log. I was suddenly "fascinated" with the crease on my pants and a piece of rolled up thread that must have held all the answers to the universe, the way I was playing with it.
Issues that came up: how he noticed that my drinking was different than others'; how even though we used to do things together at the beginning we didn't anymore because *I* feel that he is better at everything than I am, and don't like it; how we don't really talk beyond niceties; how he glossed over details; how life was when I was medicated; how I don't feel comfortable in my own home; the kid.
The list was long, to say the least.
We rehashed the details of how things went when I told him about my last relapse. He was very vague, which bothered me, so we discussed in more detail. I was very careful, at first, about what I said. Dick had gotten upset the night before that I went to the counselor by myself, and I was afraid if I told him some details of our life that he would think I was throwing him under the bus. I later asked Dick, and he said that it wouldn't have made him uncomfortable, but I'm not sure about that.
I did leave with the lingering feeling that the way I feel this way is MY fault. That Dick is doing everything he can support me and maybe I am just nuts. I do feel, though, like not everybody sees everything.
One of my friends told me that he doesn't hang around with me anymore because he doesn't think Dick does shit to support me.
I think the truth probably hides between what my friend feels and what I feel.
I hope the counselor can help us to find common ground.
We'll be going back next week.
In the meantime, more AA, more phone calls.
*sigh* I really don't want to be here, but I did it to myself, so all I can do is suck it up.
When the counselor asked us who wanted to start, we both sat there like bumps on a log. I was suddenly "fascinated" with the crease on my pants and a piece of rolled up thread that must have held all the answers to the universe, the way I was playing with it.
Issues that came up: how he noticed that my drinking was different than others'; how even though we used to do things together at the beginning we didn't anymore because *I* feel that he is better at everything than I am, and don't like it; how we don't really talk beyond niceties; how he glossed over details; how life was when I was medicated; how I don't feel comfortable in my own home; the kid.
The list was long, to say the least.
We rehashed the details of how things went when I told him about my last relapse. He was very vague, which bothered me, so we discussed in more detail. I was very careful, at first, about what I said. Dick had gotten upset the night before that I went to the counselor by myself, and I was afraid if I told him some details of our life that he would think I was throwing him under the bus. I later asked Dick, and he said that it wouldn't have made him uncomfortable, but I'm not sure about that.
I did leave with the lingering feeling that the way I feel this way is MY fault. That Dick is doing everything he can support me and maybe I am just nuts. I do feel, though, like not everybody sees everything.
One of my friends told me that he doesn't hang around with me anymore because he doesn't think Dick does shit to support me.
I think the truth probably hides between what my friend feels and what I feel.
I hope the counselor can help us to find common ground.
We'll be going back next week.
In the meantime, more AA, more phone calls.
*sigh* I really don't want to be here, but I did it to myself, so all I can do is suck it up.
Labels: counseling, disappointment, marriage, relapse
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on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:01 PM.
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