Day 21: Saturday
It's times like this that I wish I were just fucking LOADED and numb, because things just seem so much clearer in the light of day.
And I wonder at times if I drank like this to drown out the hurt. OR ANGER, I don't know.
Dick and I will be separated in five days for an undetermined amount of time. I think he's too much of a pussy to tell me that the relationship is over.
Today, at lunch, a girl we know asked him since he was going ahead would he scout out a job for me, and he just shrugged. When I questioned him, he nonchalantly threw out, 'you've already applied for so many jobs..." like, what can I do? If he doesn't think I'm getting a job there, WHY THE FUCK is he going? His own boss told him to tell them that he wasn't coming without me, and he was so busy that he forgot. I want to be mean and say convenient, but I think that would be painting him in an unfair light.
When I drank I sought attention and all this time I have been wondering WHAT GREAT VOID it is within me that makes me this way, but I don't think that I am fully to blame.
Right now, after telling me that we were all going out tonight, he is out by himself. Which is fine. It's the way he delivered it that pissed me off. "You don't have to come pick me up," before explaining to me that everyone was tired, and that it would just be a couple drinks. And "you didn't really want to go, did you?" Of course I WANTED TO GO! I've been cooped up in this house for THREE FUCKING WEEKS! And you're leaving! in five days!
He counters that I went out with my friends last night. Hunh. By "my friends", he is referring to the people that I have been working with all year and have not ONCE, EVER socialized with. Nor spoken on the phone with. Or e-mailed. I explained to him that the only reason that I stayed out was because he was at work. He says that I could've come in to the restaurant. There's CRACK in them thar hills, because I have no FUCKING CLUE why he thinks that, considering that he tells me not to come in when the owner's mother is there.
I am incredulous when he says that I don't come in because I don't want to. YES, BECAUSE THE MOTHER IS FUCKING CRAZY. She calls the police! She hits people! He tells me if she did anything to me, she would be gone. But 1.) Why would I willingly put myself in that kind of situation, and 2.) The owner has demonstrated time and time again that NOTHING CHANGES, why would her doing anything to me be different? He's already flaked out on me several times. I'm not stupid.
As a last resort, at the end of our conversation, I thought I should tell him I was pissed. He said he knew. So he knew, and didn't care to talk to me about it. Before when I was angry, he would FORCE me to talk to him so we could work it out. Now, he just doesn't give a shit.
I know that I have done things to hurt him. And I think I've pushed him past the limit. I KNOW he won't admit it. He doesn't have to. He's not interested in me sexually, everything between us is perfunctory, and half the time I am so angry and so hurt that I just want him to leave.
The other day? When I walked in from work, he was sitting in front of the computer staring at the TV and he didn't say a damn thing. I stood for five minutes, waiting for a "hi", or a "how was your day?" or some small fucking indication that he knew I was alive and instead just got the back of his head.
The next day when I came in, because he wanted my attention, he noticed that I didn't kiss him hello.
Today, when I was driving his car, I realized that I will never be better at ANYTHING than him, except maybe being an asshole. Now, up until now, I would've thought that a remark like that denoted low self-esteem, but I beg to differ on this. He drives better, and he is constantly trying to teach me. He bartends better. He keeps his temper better. He's a better mate. He's smarter. He's better at housework, cooking, cleaning. He has a more desirable career field.
I wonder at what point in a marriage the damage is irreparable. He calls, and tells me that he's coming home because he wants to play golf tomorrow. Apparently, spending time with me has nothing to do with it, and I wonder if maybe I am too needy because I would like to hear it, but right now, I feel like I am beyond lost, because I am crying openly into the phone and he can't even hear it.
All I want right now is to be drunk. Or asleep. Or just away from this.
I HATE FEELING THIS EMOTIONAL.
I just hate feeling right now, period.
And I wonder at times if I drank like this to drown out the hurt. OR ANGER, I don't know.
Dick and I will be separated in five days for an undetermined amount of time. I think he's too much of a pussy to tell me that the relationship is over.
Today, at lunch, a girl we know asked him since he was going ahead would he scout out a job for me, and he just shrugged. When I questioned him, he nonchalantly threw out, 'you've already applied for so many jobs..." like, what can I do? If he doesn't think I'm getting a job there, WHY THE FUCK is he going? His own boss told him to tell them that he wasn't coming without me, and he was so busy that he forgot. I want to be mean and say convenient, but I think that would be painting him in an unfair light.
When I drank I sought attention and all this time I have been wondering WHAT GREAT VOID it is within me that makes me this way, but I don't think that I am fully to blame.
Right now, after telling me that we were all going out tonight, he is out by himself. Which is fine. It's the way he delivered it that pissed me off. "You don't have to come pick me up," before explaining to me that everyone was tired, and that it would just be a couple drinks. And "you didn't really want to go, did you?" Of course I WANTED TO GO! I've been cooped up in this house for THREE FUCKING WEEKS! And you're leaving! in five days!
He counters that I went out with my friends last night. Hunh. By "my friends", he is referring to the people that I have been working with all year and have not ONCE, EVER socialized with. Nor spoken on the phone with. Or e-mailed. I explained to him that the only reason that I stayed out was because he was at work. He says that I could've come in to the restaurant. There's CRACK in them thar hills, because I have no FUCKING CLUE why he thinks that, considering that he tells me not to come in when the owner's mother is there.
I am incredulous when he says that I don't come in because I don't want to. YES, BECAUSE THE MOTHER IS FUCKING CRAZY. She calls the police! She hits people! He tells me if she did anything to me, she would be gone. But 1.) Why would I willingly put myself in that kind of situation, and 2.) The owner has demonstrated time and time again that NOTHING CHANGES, why would her doing anything to me be different? He's already flaked out on me several times. I'm not stupid.
As a last resort, at the end of our conversation, I thought I should tell him I was pissed. He said he knew. So he knew, and didn't care to talk to me about it. Before when I was angry, he would FORCE me to talk to him so we could work it out. Now, he just doesn't give a shit.
I know that I have done things to hurt him. And I think I've pushed him past the limit. I KNOW he won't admit it. He doesn't have to. He's not interested in me sexually, everything between us is perfunctory, and half the time I am so angry and so hurt that I just want him to leave.
The other day? When I walked in from work, he was sitting in front of the computer staring at the TV and he didn't say a damn thing. I stood for five minutes, waiting for a "hi", or a "how was your day?" or some small fucking indication that he knew I was alive and instead just got the back of his head.
The next day when I came in, because he wanted my attention, he noticed that I didn't kiss him hello.
Today, when I was driving his car, I realized that I will never be better at ANYTHING than him, except maybe being an asshole. Now, up until now, I would've thought that a remark like that denoted low self-esteem, but I beg to differ on this. He drives better, and he is constantly trying to teach me. He bartends better. He keeps his temper better. He's a better mate. He's smarter. He's better at housework, cooking, cleaning. He has a more desirable career field.
I wonder at what point in a marriage the damage is irreparable. He calls, and tells me that he's coming home because he wants to play golf tomorrow. Apparently, spending time with me has nothing to do with it, and I wonder if maybe I am too needy because I would like to hear it, but right now, I feel like I am beyond lost, because I am crying openly into the phone and he can't even hear it.
All I want right now is to be drunk. Or asleep. Or just away from this.
I HATE FEELING THIS EMOTIONAL.
I just hate feeling right now, period.
This entry was posted
on Saturday, June 10, 2006 at 8:09 PM.
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Hey kiddo, hang in there. I'm still reading. I hope this isn't all true and it's just our impossible raw perceptions when we're in a state and everything seems worse than it really is.
You two must discuss this before he leaves. And I mean really talk about it.
You know who it is...email me if you want.
C-
Thanks, C. I'll e-mail you, I'm sure. I feel like I've just started standing on the edge of crazy. And I'm only half joking.
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