Forecast.
Hello!
It's another alcohol free day here, at chez Jane.
I was talking to Dick today about his job post, where alcoholism runs rampant. We knew this before we went out there, and that's why I knew I had to clean myself up. That, and I just don't think that I could live with myself if I kept on hurting him. There's a man there that drinks a bottle of WILD TURKEY a day. A. DAY.
And I think that therein lies part of my problem. I see people like that. I read books by people like that, and I think, "I don't have a problem. I'm not like that." But I have severed several relationships and lost several things because I was drunk. Which doesn't put me that far off, maybe.
I got out a box of OOOOOLLLLLDDDD pictures today, because I was looking for a particular hairstyle, and there are many happy pictures of me and (insert boy here) in them. Which started me thinking about my past.
I ended up talking to my mom about one of these guys in particular. I told her if I saw him right now, I would bite him. Take a big chunk out of his arm. And then I told her what he did to me. And it's nothing abusively physical. Largely mental, and written in my yearbook, for me to read year after year after year (which I did), and wonder what the hell I ever did to him, apart from being a young 8th grader who his sister hated. But it sticks with me. Because he's not the only one. There was a tribe of them. Boys, whose faces I will never forget, who I was terrified of. For years. And I wonder if maybe that's a motivating factor for me, with the kissing. Because for once I feel accepted and in control, if I initiate it.
But I want this to be a complete story, so I'll finish this tomorrow. When I can write exactly what he wrote in my yearbook and just be done with part of the whole fucking thing already.
Jane Says: Freebies, freebies, givin' up the freebies. Teenage hooker giving me the heebie-jeebies.
It's another alcohol free day here, at chez Jane.
I was talking to Dick today about his job post, where alcoholism runs rampant. We knew this before we went out there, and that's why I knew I had to clean myself up. That, and I just don't think that I could live with myself if I kept on hurting him. There's a man there that drinks a bottle of WILD TURKEY a day. A. DAY.
And I think that therein lies part of my problem. I see people like that. I read books by people like that, and I think, "I don't have a problem. I'm not like that." But I have severed several relationships and lost several things because I was drunk. Which doesn't put me that far off, maybe.
I got out a box of OOOOOLLLLLDDDD pictures today, because I was looking for a particular hairstyle, and there are many happy pictures of me and (insert boy here) in them. Which started me thinking about my past.
I ended up talking to my mom about one of these guys in particular. I told her if I saw him right now, I would bite him. Take a big chunk out of his arm. And then I told her what he did to me. And it's nothing abusively physical. Largely mental, and written in my yearbook, for me to read year after year after year (which I did), and wonder what the hell I ever did to him, apart from being a young 8th grader who his sister hated. But it sticks with me. Because he's not the only one. There was a tribe of them. Boys, whose faces I will never forget, who I was terrified of. For years. And I wonder if maybe that's a motivating factor for me, with the kissing. Because for once I feel accepted and in control, if I initiate it.
But I want this to be a complete story, so I'll finish this tomorrow. When I can write exactly what he wrote in my yearbook and just be done with part of the whole fucking thing already.
Jane Says: Freebies, freebies, givin' up the freebies. Teenage hooker giving me the heebie-jeebies.
This entry was posted
on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 8:00 PM.
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I am intrigued to know what it was that he wrote- and why it is that you remember it so many years later.
I'll have to look for the yearbook. Mostly it just makes me want to cause him physical harm. Yeah, I let go of things easily! ;)
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