Treading
I always do this, whenever I am too embarrassed to face people. I just shut down. My mom checks on me to see if I want to get out, do something. She makes sure that I get out of bed, get dressed, and I do. Run normal errands and stuff, but I really just want to shut it off. Not myself, just the treading. The not knowing.
What makes me such a large black hole that I am the BIGGEST attention whore, EVER? Or maybe it's just needy whore. And not whore in the "whore-y" sense, but in the "hoar"d sense. It's not about sex. It's never been about sex, or desire - the kissing other people. Alcohol has made me more easily accessible and "approval" more easily achievable, but it's never been about lust or seduction. I can't take myself seriously naked. I don't expect anyone else to, either.
I don't know what makes me feel so worthless that I am afraid to talk to my husband because I am POSITIVE that there is one thing on this earth that I can tell him that will make him turn his back on me and walk out of my life. And I am sure I drive him nuts, because I ask him, repeatedly, "Did I tell you about this? And that time that I was SUCH A BAD PERSON THAT YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY WANT TO BE WITH ME? No? What about this? Well surely this will show you..."
I don't even realize that I feel this way until I keep repeating the cycle. Again, and again, and again. It's been more frequent in the last five years, which signifies that I AM DOING SOMETHING WRONG. But I don't know what.
I just keep telling myself tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another day. But then a little voice in my head tells me back, "Maybe tomorrow will be THE day. When he leaves you for good."
Jane Says: Build a bridge and get OVER it.
What makes me such a large black hole that I am the BIGGEST attention whore, EVER? Or maybe it's just needy whore. And not whore in the "whore-y" sense, but in the "hoar"d sense. It's not about sex. It's never been about sex, or desire - the kissing other people. Alcohol has made me more easily accessible and "approval" more easily achievable, but it's never been about lust or seduction. I can't take myself seriously naked. I don't expect anyone else to, either.
I don't know what makes me feel so worthless that I am afraid to talk to my husband because I am POSITIVE that there is one thing on this earth that I can tell him that will make him turn his back on me and walk out of my life. And I am sure I drive him nuts, because I ask him, repeatedly, "Did I tell you about this? And that time that I was SUCH A BAD PERSON THAT YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY WANT TO BE WITH ME? No? What about this? Well surely this will show you..."
I don't even realize that I feel this way until I keep repeating the cycle. Again, and again, and again. It's been more frequent in the last five years, which signifies that I AM DOING SOMETHING WRONG. But I don't know what.
I just keep telling myself tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another day. But then a little voice in my head tells me back, "Maybe tomorrow will be THE day. When he leaves you for good."
Jane Says: Build a bridge and get OVER it.
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on Sunday, July 09, 2006 at 6:51 PM.
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I wish I knew what to say to help. But I don't so I won't try. I know you're trying hard and that's what counts.
I love you, and that's all I'm going to tell you. Over, and over, and over again.
I can't believe that such a wonderful person as you could have such extremely low self esteem. And I don't care what you have done in your past or are still doing. The person you think is so horrible and that no one could possibly love is a creative, loving, brutally honest person. So she isn't perfect. Who is?
I think it is great that you want to change and have stopped drinking, and I think it is important for you to do so, especially because it was your decision and you know best if it was a problem for you, but I love you however you are- drinking or not. You just need to learn to love you too, and the urge to drink will cease naturally.
Chantel, Rose, Jen.
I am so thankful and so blessed to have friends like you. I want you to know that it is your words of wisdom and encouragement that keep me hanging (be it by a thread or by the skin of my teeth) on. Thank you.
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