Back in the Saddle
I went to the counselor again yesterday. It was a rather strange episode. I've been feeling strange lately, and was unable to hide it from here. I'm not saying strange emotionally, but strange off. Weak, fatigued.
It started yesterday when I was trying to direct through the kids a rather simple craft. I started shaking physically and uncontrollably and knew that I had to put food in my mouth at that minute. I was shaking so hard that it actually started rattling my ribcage so that when I sat down, I had a hard time breathing. I wondered if I was having a panic attack, but then as I noted my overwhelming sense of calm and surmised that I was okay. As I shoved banana after banana after bag of tried apricots and fat free popcorn in my mouth, 1 thing struck me. The taste of the sugar. I couldn't get enough of it. After about 15 minutes the shaking subsided, but I was exhausted.
And that's how I've been feeling lately. If I lay down, I'll sleep. Not just a light nap, but OUT. I can't hear the phone ring - that's how deep I'm under. I've been to work late twice since this has happened. I can't get up in the morning, and will often doze off just when I sit down for a second.
I told the counselor that when I wasn't sleeping, I was mostly exhausted. When dick and I rode to the beach the other day, I was so spent, that I literally just sat on the sand like a big blob of marshmallow and just rolled the rocks through my fingers. Not the first time, either. We rode down to the other beach several weekends ago and by the time we got there I was so hungry that I thought I was going to faint. I drove back to our room to get some snacks, but stopped at our friend's house along the way because I was so tired. When she opened the door, I burst into tears and she made me a sandwich.
It's kind of strange for me documenting all this. Makes me realize how common it has been. The other doctor told me it was because I perhaps I wasn't exercising enough, but the other day when I got on the treadmill, I ran until my foot caught in the moving part (read: I completely overdid it) and had to get off and lay down on the floor until I could regain my breath.
Emotionally, I have been okay, I think, but I think that these "epsiodes" effect me as well. They leave me feeling vulnerable and frustrated. The counselor noticed all this and sent me to the regular doctor. She said that these were red flags that should be taken note of. Take note.
He asked me what I could attribute it to, and I seriously don't know. It's been Mr.Toad's Wild Ride since I got on all of these damn pills. He did put me back on "THE PILL", but I haven't taken them yet. I think my period adds to the shaky, too. They're supposed to regulate the cramps. I don't really want to be back on birth control, but if something helps to regulate the cramps, I guess I can suffer through it. That and I feel like the boys band is dancing around with spiked soccer cleats. It's not pleasant.
The overall conclusion was that I would lay off the Antabuse. While I was elated originally, now I'm kind of nervous. I was happy in my, "IF I DRINK, I MIGHT DIE" fear - which would make total sense because the counselor said that I operate out of fear. 6 straight weeks is an accomplishment, but it is still newly sober, in the long run. Just like when I said, "2 weeks is the blink of an eye." I do think that it helps having been "out" and that I have seen people completely shit faced drunk and embarrassed. And I was sober and enjoying myself the whole time.
The strange thing is that I dreamed that I was out of men again. I was wavering in my dream between Dick and the "other" men in my life who I haven't spoken to in years, and I was scared. I think the general gist of the dream was that I had run out and would be alone. Also, my other fear, that I got really loaded and slept with a bunch of men. Which is much worse than anything than I have ever done. In my dream, I remember that I was SO drunk that I couldn't remember WHAT I did, but that all the men in my dream remember that I had sex wit them and that it would be something that I would never live down, much less be forgiven for. Also in the dream, I remember feeling relieved upon figuring out that I didn't ACTUALLY do it. It means that I can be forgiven. It takes me a while to wake up and take stock. I feel uncomfortable until I realize where I actually am and that HEY! You're in a good place!
Jane Says "Aww...FREAK OUT!"
Note: I wrote this really quickly without much editing while in a crunch, please be kind to forgive.
It started yesterday when I was trying to direct through the kids a rather simple craft. I started shaking physically and uncontrollably and knew that I had to put food in my mouth at that minute. I was shaking so hard that it actually started rattling my ribcage so that when I sat down, I had a hard time breathing. I wondered if I was having a panic attack, but then as I noted my overwhelming sense of calm and surmised that I was okay. As I shoved banana after banana after bag of tried apricots and fat free popcorn in my mouth, 1 thing struck me. The taste of the sugar. I couldn't get enough of it. After about 15 minutes the shaking subsided, but I was exhausted.
And that's how I've been feeling lately. If I lay down, I'll sleep. Not just a light nap, but OUT. I can't hear the phone ring - that's how deep I'm under. I've been to work late twice since this has happened. I can't get up in the morning, and will often doze off just when I sit down for a second.
I told the counselor that when I wasn't sleeping, I was mostly exhausted. When dick and I rode to the beach the other day, I was so spent, that I literally just sat on the sand like a big blob of marshmallow and just rolled the rocks through my fingers. Not the first time, either. We rode down to the other beach several weekends ago and by the time we got there I was so hungry that I thought I was going to faint. I drove back to our room to get some snacks, but stopped at our friend's house along the way because I was so tired. When she opened the door, I burst into tears and she made me a sandwich.
It's kind of strange for me documenting all this. Makes me realize how common it has been. The other doctor told me it was because I perhaps I wasn't exercising enough, but the other day when I got on the treadmill, I ran until my foot caught in the moving part (read: I completely overdid it) and had to get off and lay down on the floor until I could regain my breath.
Emotionally, I have been okay, I think, but I think that these "epsiodes" effect me as well. They leave me feeling vulnerable and frustrated. The counselor noticed all this and sent me to the regular doctor. She said that these were red flags that should be taken note of. Take note.
He asked me what I could attribute it to, and I seriously don't know. It's been Mr.Toad's Wild Ride since I got on all of these damn pills. He did put me back on "THE PILL", but I haven't taken them yet. I think my period adds to the shaky, too. They're supposed to regulate the cramps. I don't really want to be back on birth control, but if something helps to regulate the cramps, I guess I can suffer through it. That and I feel like the boys band is dancing around with spiked soccer cleats. It's not pleasant.
The overall conclusion was that I would lay off the Antabuse. While I was elated originally, now I'm kind of nervous. I was happy in my, "IF I DRINK, I MIGHT DIE" fear - which would make total sense because the counselor said that I operate out of fear. 6 straight weeks is an accomplishment, but it is still newly sober, in the long run. Just like when I said, "2 weeks is the blink of an eye." I do think that it helps having been "out" and that I have seen people completely shit faced drunk and embarrassed. And I was sober and enjoying myself the whole time.
The strange thing is that I dreamed that I was out of men again. I was wavering in my dream between Dick and the "other" men in my life who I haven't spoken to in years, and I was scared. I think the general gist of the dream was that I had run out and would be alone. Also, my other fear, that I got really loaded and slept with a bunch of men. Which is much worse than anything than I have ever done. In my dream, I remember that I was SO drunk that I couldn't remember WHAT I did, but that all the men in my dream remember that I had sex wit them and that it would be something that I would never live down, much less be forgiven for. Also in the dream, I remember feeling relieved upon figuring out that I didn't ACTUALLY do it. It means that I can be forgiven. It takes me a while to wake up and take stock. I feel uncomfortable until I realize where I actually am and that HEY! You're in a good place!
Jane Says "Aww...FREAK OUT!"
Note: I wrote this really quickly without much editing while in a crunch, please be kind to forgive.
This entry was posted
on Friday, November 17, 2006 at 11:03 AM.
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Won't the antabuse still work even if you don't take it every day? Can't it make you sick for two weeks after you have taken it? Maybe the answer is to take it less frequently.
I have fucked up dreams like that too. Different but the same, if you know what i mean.
Mmmm, I don't think so. The doctor told me that it only stays in your system for 24 hours. I didn't take it yesterday. That being said, I had red wine vinegar with lunch, and my stomach is fine. I think the only thing that is tempting to me is a cold beer because it is SO DAMN HOT - but that comes in non-alcoholic flavor. I've completely lost my taste for wine.
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