Dubious Luxuries - Day 5
In the daily reflections on Wednesday, we read about anger being a dubious luxury. It sounded lovely to me, I wanted to wrap myself up in chocolate and satin sheets after a hot bubble bath. The sound of the words together, NOT the anger.
The last time I was drunk (which was OH! so long ago. Not really), I remember that I said specifically that I was ANGRY and that I wanted to hurt Dick. But any alcoholic knows that he or she only hurts him or herself. In my case, it was HERSELF. It was, as it always has been, "Fuck me?" "Oh no, buddy! FUCK YOU!"
At the moment of drunk, I just feel a hot, seething rage. Regardless of whatever *MOOD* leads me to drink, as in, "Wouldn't a drink or wine just be nice?" I always end up on the other side of whatever bottle seething, furious. REGARDLESS. It is pretty much a given. The funny thing is, I don't always feel that angry WHEN I am drunk, but my actions speak otherwise. So much so, in fact, that I have been labelled, "A very angry girl." which surprised me. But doesn't surprise me.
I think I started stepping off the cliff into "I can drink!" when I started feeling angry about a number of things. First it was the big things, then it was the little things, then it was just EVERY things. When it finally seeped into my relationship with Dick, HELLO AL! Long time no see.
And here I am spit out and chewed up on the other side. Which leaves no doubt in my mind that right now, anger is something that I will not afford myself. Luxury or concrete wall, I don't care. I've got to learn how to handle things in stride without alcohol and with whatever I can do to combat it. I thought I had some pretty fail-safe methods at my disposal (hello?! I ran a marathon?!) to help quiet the inner stirrings of frustration and anger, but in retrospect, I wasn't doing enough because I didn't feel ANY PEACE, after awhile.
I'm not saying that I'll become an automaton. I will try and take it in stride, one day at a time.
Jane Says: Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are? We're all waiting.
The last time I was drunk (which was OH! so long ago. Not really), I remember that I said specifically that I was ANGRY and that I wanted to hurt Dick. But any alcoholic knows that he or she only hurts him or herself. In my case, it was HERSELF. It was, as it always has been, "Fuck me?" "Oh no, buddy! FUCK YOU!"
At the moment of drunk, I just feel a hot, seething rage. Regardless of whatever *MOOD* leads me to drink, as in, "Wouldn't a drink or wine just be nice?" I always end up on the other side of whatever bottle seething, furious. REGARDLESS. It is pretty much a given. The funny thing is, I don't always feel that angry WHEN I am drunk, but my actions speak otherwise. So much so, in fact, that I have been labelled, "A very angry girl." which surprised me. But doesn't surprise me.
I think I started stepping off the cliff into "I can drink!" when I started feeling angry about a number of things. First it was the big things, then it was the little things, then it was just EVERY things. When it finally seeped into my relationship with Dick, HELLO AL! Long time no see.
And here I am spit out and chewed up on the other side. Which leaves no doubt in my mind that right now, anger is something that I will not afford myself. Luxury or concrete wall, I don't care. I've got to learn how to handle things in stride without alcohol and with whatever I can do to combat it. I thought I had some pretty fail-safe methods at my disposal (hello?! I ran a marathon?!) to help quiet the inner stirrings of frustration and anger, but in retrospect, I wasn't doing enough because I didn't feel ANY PEACE, after awhile.
I'm not saying that I'll become an automaton. I will try and take it in stride, one day at a time.
Jane Says: Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are? We're all waiting.
Labels: alcoholism, anger, sobriety
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on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 4:02 PM.
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