Liar Liar
No, no, I haven't forgotten. I've just been stepping forward and having less to write about reflectively, I suppose. Well, less to journal. But I suppose that journaling is ups and downs. Not just downs.
The other day in counseling, I was asked if I craved alcohol and I said, "No." I fully thought that I was telling the truth. I don't crave hard liquor or beer, I don't crave pink or white wine. That's all I was focused on at the moment.
I did tell her that I had been having this bizarre dreams where I get so fucked up that I don't remember what I did, and what I inevitably did was think that I screwed a bunch of guys. One right after the other, bar after bar, after bar. I never did this in real life, but I suppose it is my biggest fear, considering that Dick told me that was his limit, sex with another man. I'm so afraid of myself and what I might do that I'm afraid I might just do that, like I might just fall on another man's penis "accidentally". Ridiculous, no?
She told me that it was actually a step forward, that alcoholics have these dreams after quitting drinking - it's their conscious and subconscious battling over lack of alcohol. Rather, the conscious is cognizant that there is no alcohol, and the subconscious is coming to terms with it. I found this a relief, considering that I often wake up from these dreams bothered and anxious.
She also mentioned that when I was ready to go to an AA meeting that I could go. I just had to tell her point blank that I was not ready. I don't know that I'll ever be ready. I'm NOT convinced that I'm an alcoholic. I think that I was certainly headed in that direction, but that I had the wherewithal to pull myself out. I want to be given credit for that. I guess I still view those meetings as punishment because I don't feel like I need that support. I've got myself. And Jen. And Dick. And those horrid, horrid, dreams.
What I did find out this weekend, however, was that I will probably never be able to turn my back on red wine. I took a sip of it and it was so M'mmmm yummy. Just leaving me further convinced that I need to invent the perfect non-alcoholic red. So far all the ones I've tasted just have no BODY. I will have to learn to cook with it until I can distance myself safely enough from it. I did then taste Dick's, which I knew was vinegary and awful (it was old) so that I wouldn't be craving that reddy goodness.
And I fed sharks. Because I am awesome.
Dick hurt my feelings the other day when he asked me if I had taken my pill yet. I mentioned that I didn't want to talk on the phone, and that was his immediate response. Yes, it helps to take away the anxiety, which therefore makes me more social, but it is not a HAPPY! PILL! under any circumstances. And I thought he knew me better than that.
I finally had to tell him that I was upset that the last three times we had had sex that there wasn't any time for me. I waited until he got out of the shower, however, because I am still shy about talking and approaching this kind of thing. I don't think that he got that I was mad, but he knows that he owes me, at least. Score 1 for Jane the Prude.
I fed them right out of my hand. Because I am awesome.
Jane Says: My hips don't lie.
The other day in counseling, I was asked if I craved alcohol and I said, "No." I fully thought that I was telling the truth. I don't crave hard liquor or beer, I don't crave pink or white wine. That's all I was focused on at the moment.
I did tell her that I had been having this bizarre dreams where I get so fucked up that I don't remember what I did, and what I inevitably did was think that I screwed a bunch of guys. One right after the other, bar after bar, after bar. I never did this in real life, but I suppose it is my biggest fear, considering that Dick told me that was his limit, sex with another man. I'm so afraid of myself and what I might do that I'm afraid I might just do that, like I might just fall on another man's penis "accidentally". Ridiculous, no?
She told me that it was actually a step forward, that alcoholics have these dreams after quitting drinking - it's their conscious and subconscious battling over lack of alcohol. Rather, the conscious is cognizant that there is no alcohol, and the subconscious is coming to terms with it. I found this a relief, considering that I often wake up from these dreams bothered and anxious.
She also mentioned that when I was ready to go to an AA meeting that I could go. I just had to tell her point blank that I was not ready. I don't know that I'll ever be ready. I'm NOT convinced that I'm an alcoholic. I think that I was certainly headed in that direction, but that I had the wherewithal to pull myself out. I want to be given credit for that. I guess I still view those meetings as punishment because I don't feel like I need that support. I've got myself. And Jen. And Dick. And those horrid, horrid, dreams.
What I did find out this weekend, however, was that I will probably never be able to turn my back on red wine. I took a sip of it and it was so M'mmmm yummy. Just leaving me further convinced that I need to invent the perfect non-alcoholic red. So far all the ones I've tasted just have no BODY. I will have to learn to cook with it until I can distance myself safely enough from it. I did then taste Dick's, which I knew was vinegary and awful (it was old) so that I wouldn't be craving that reddy goodness.
And I fed sharks. Because I am awesome.
Dick hurt my feelings the other day when he asked me if I had taken my pill yet. I mentioned that I didn't want to talk on the phone, and that was his immediate response. Yes, it helps to take away the anxiety, which therefore makes me more social, but it is not a HAPPY! PILL! under any circumstances. And I thought he knew me better than that.
I finally had to tell him that I was upset that the last three times we had had sex that there wasn't any time for me. I waited until he got out of the shower, however, because I am still shy about talking and approaching this kind of thing. I don't think that he got that I was mad, but he knows that he owes me, at least. Score 1 for Jane the Prude.
I fed them right out of my hand. Because I am awesome.
Jane Says: My hips don't lie.
Labels: medication, red wine, sobriety
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, December 13, 2006 at 1:20 AM.
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I think it is still very early to say that you will always have that craving for red wine. True, you might, but the craving might dull itself over time as well. I know that in just a few months of not drinking my cravings for it have decreased dramatically. It is probabaly like cigarette smoking is for a lot of people after they quit. They generally don't crave it, but in times of stress it is a force to be reckoned with and is always that little "monkey on their back."
And yes, you always have my support and you probably wouldn't get much out of AA right now anyway. I think you need to be truly committed to it and want to participate to have it do any real good, and you aren't ready for that. Hopefully you never are ready- you won't need to be. I think it is possible that a person can pull themself out of the downward spiral in time, but it is a lot of hard work and it seems that you are accomplishing it. I hope you can stay strong. Remember, I am here every day on the internet whenever you need support.
Jen,
I don't know if "crave" is the proper word. I like to do things to excess - I just ate a whole bag of kit kats today - I think my thing with red wine is like that, does that make any sense? It's not the feeling, it's the taste, like me and miso soup, or any of my favorite foods/drinks.
Right now I don't think I would get anything out of AA either, my discomfort level would probably top any message that I was able to squeeze out. I am very comfortable with not drinking and where I am right now; the farther away I get from it, the more it makes sense to me. Of course, abstinence is always easier than moderation. But nobody says I EVER have to try that.
I am extremely thankful for your support, and I think everybody should have a friend like you. They take years to find. Thank YOU. I'll be excited when we can meet in person.
Love, love, love.
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