Holiday Hole
I had a dream about David last night; it seems like my subconscious is still wrapped up in him and his suicide. In it we were kind of romantically involved - we kissed, but he was helping me try to reconcile with his brother, who wouldn't give me the time of day. In fact, in a drunken stupor, he urinated on me from a 30th floor balcony. When I woke up, it took me nearly 4 hours to remember that David was dead. Rather than being angry, like I have been for over a year now, I just felt a residual sadness. Much like a cocoon feels when the butterfly leaves, I expect. It's been years since I was close to anyone from the group, but their stains are on my skin.
In speaking with the good doctor, Dick came up. How I'm not communicating with him properly. I don't know why I am (as of yet) unable to express myself openly to him. The other day when I wanted to talk to him about sex, I had to wait until he was out of the shower and I could speak through the curtain to whisper some vague "can I get a raincheck?" bullshit. My inability frustrates me.
Oftentimes I wish that I would come with one of those scrolling marquees on my forehead so that he knew what I wanted/needed from him at all times. For example: Please don't make fun of me right now, it will just push me over the edge. Instead, come in and give me a hug and tell me that you're here if I need help. What really happens? He calls me Mrs. Grinch in front of the kids, further pissing me off, which eventually leads to an altercation. Whereas before I refused to engage him in that manner, now I just, "bite his head off", in his words. Sometimes I feel like his own personal wind up toy. Wind me up and watch me go.
In an attempt to get his attention yesterday, for a kiss, some reconciliation, something. I climbed on top of him and popped my face over his book. He told me I was bothering him, so I called him an ass and skulked over to the corner. I couldn't help but think that had it been the beginning of our relationship, he would've dropped the book and enveloped me passionately. I know that things have changed, and that there are times when I am not receptive to his overtures, but two wrongs don't make a right. My biggest fear is that one of us will eventually just give up.
He asked if there was a different set of rules for me, but I argued otherwise (imagine that). I feel that he can "bother" me whenever he wants and often does. When he feels playful, there's no limits. Most of the time it is funny, but sometimes I really need my space after being hung on and whined to and "loved" all day long.
I just feel as if the line of communication has been cut. When I didn't want to talk on the phone the other day, he asked if I had taken my pill. I felt crushed. Small and crazy. And then defensive in a VERY.BIG.WAY. Of course, I joked about it. Because if I can make a funny, then it doesn't matter.
I asked him why he loved me later on after the book/ass incident and he told me that he didn't know. Further anger and disappointment. I know he hates when I ask him that, but I just wanted a small answer.
When I think about all this stuff, I feel very, very sad. I can't help but think if this is happening because of me, because of things I have done. If over the years I pushed him too far. In day to day, I never acknowledge it, I just keep going and going and going.
If I don't stop and look, it's not there.
Jane Says, "Nothing", could cause a great big fight...
In speaking with the good doctor, Dick came up. How I'm not communicating with him properly. I don't know why I am (as of yet) unable to express myself openly to him. The other day when I wanted to talk to him about sex, I had to wait until he was out of the shower and I could speak through the curtain to whisper some vague "can I get a raincheck?" bullshit. My inability frustrates me.
Oftentimes I wish that I would come with one of those scrolling marquees on my forehead so that he knew what I wanted/needed from him at all times. For example: Please don't make fun of me right now, it will just push me over the edge. Instead, come in and give me a hug and tell me that you're here if I need help. What really happens? He calls me Mrs. Grinch in front of the kids, further pissing me off, which eventually leads to an altercation. Whereas before I refused to engage him in that manner, now I just, "bite his head off", in his words. Sometimes I feel like his own personal wind up toy. Wind me up and watch me go.
In an attempt to get his attention yesterday, for a kiss, some reconciliation, something. I climbed on top of him and popped my face over his book. He told me I was bothering him, so I called him an ass and skulked over to the corner. I couldn't help but think that had it been the beginning of our relationship, he would've dropped the book and enveloped me passionately. I know that things have changed, and that there are times when I am not receptive to his overtures, but two wrongs don't make a right. My biggest fear is that one of us will eventually just give up.
He asked if there was a different set of rules for me, but I argued otherwise (imagine that). I feel that he can "bother" me whenever he wants and often does. When he feels playful, there's no limits. Most of the time it is funny, but sometimes I really need my space after being hung on and whined to and "loved" all day long.
I just feel as if the line of communication has been cut. When I didn't want to talk on the phone the other day, he asked if I had taken my pill. I felt crushed. Small and crazy. And then defensive in a VERY.BIG.WAY. Of course, I joked about it. Because if I can make a funny, then it doesn't matter.
I asked him why he loved me later on after the book/ass incident and he told me that he didn't know. Further anger and disappointment. I know he hates when I ask him that, but I just wanted a small answer.
When I think about all this stuff, I feel very, very sad. I can't help but think if this is happening because of me, because of things I have done. If over the years I pushed him too far. In day to day, I never acknowledge it, I just keep going and going and going.
If I don't stop and look, it's not there.
Jane Says, "Nothing", could cause a great big fight...
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on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 6:07 PM.
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