Square 1
It's been a long time since I've written on this thing, and I had hoped it would be longer, or at least not drinking (disaster) related, but it is, so...
I got drunk again last Saturday Night. There was no trigger, I just wanted a beer and then I wanted some champagne and then some wine, and then after that, I don't know. Long story short, I woke up in another apartment with another guy. I went home and told Dick and he told me that he kind of expected it.
When I got to work this morning my coworker heard through the grapevine - which has a VERY BIG MOUTH that I was showing off my body, that my clothes were strewn everywhere. Which makes little or no sense to me because I woke up with all my clothes on. I did take them off later and put them in the dryer, but other than that, I had them on.
Dick and I are at odds whether I had sex or not - I say I didn't, he thinks I did because of some physical evidence that he didn't want to tell me about on the phone. I don't think that I did. It doesn't matter because it is over now and there's nothing I could do about it.
I went to the counselor and told her what happened. She asked me what I was going to do about my drinking. That I had problems with low self esteem, low self-confidence and low self worth, but that I couldn't get to those problems if I didn't get ahold of the drinking FIRST. She mentioned another medication, and that when I go in to see her tomorrow, that she will be in charge of my program. I am not sure what that means, but she said that I have to tell her what she needs to hear so that we can proceed.
Dick and I will be going in together so that he can stop enabling me. She said that it is insane that I would go and do something like that and expect my life to get back to normal. I completely agree with her.
She said that it might turn out that we are not meant to be married to each other, which would really break my heart, truthfully. Someone might read this and ask, "Well then why the hell do you keep doing that to him?" and I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to be without him.
She was very clear that she was going to ask BOTH of us to quit drinking and BOTH of us to quit going to the club. She said that if the commitment wasn't there, then...well, I don't know. I don't think that Dick should have to quit drinking for now, but if that is what it takes.
She also said that it might turn out that I'm not meant to be here, and I don't think that I would like that, either. I do like it here, most of the time. I don't know why I keep doing stuff to sabotage myself, my relationship.
She asked me if I thought about hurting myself when I felt this low and I told her that even if I did, I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to embarrass my husband, my parents - she said, "Don't you think you're embarrassing them now?" which was a very good point.
I don't feel like I deserve anything. I haven't eaten yet. I won't wear my favorite jewelry. I don't care if I look like shit because I feel like I deserve it. I don't even want to go out in public. Work, home, that's it. I apologized to Dick because I know that I did this to myself and he has to suffer through it with me. In sickness and in health?
The guys were laughing when they talked about me and said that I must be messed up in the head to do something like that to Dick and that we must be living miserably together. It makes me angry because they've had girlfirends, ex-wives, whatever, but hey, watch her, she's a car wreck. Every time I have seen another person drunk, I have taken care of them.
The counselor also mentioned that I could really get myself in trouble - get raped, killed, etc. That one day it will be the wrong man. I don't want that.
I was so afraid that somebody would find out I was in AA, if I were to join, so then I go and do something where I have no choice. She said that I have the self-discipline to quit. I don't know where the fuck it is.
I told her that I wanted to go home, but she said I was going to have to suck it up - that I could not go running home to my mom or anyone who would help me fix it - that I was going to have to do it myself.
I don't really know what to say at this point, because I feel like I've said all this before - what makes it different this time? I didn't even want to tell her because I didn't want to disappoint her. Or Jen, Or Rose, or anyone. Part of me just wants to be this horrible little dark person by myself.
I'm just sad. And tired.
I got drunk again last Saturday Night. There was no trigger, I just wanted a beer and then I wanted some champagne and then some wine, and then after that, I don't know. Long story short, I woke up in another apartment with another guy. I went home and told Dick and he told me that he kind of expected it.
When I got to work this morning my coworker heard through the grapevine - which has a VERY BIG MOUTH that I was showing off my body, that my clothes were strewn everywhere. Which makes little or no sense to me because I woke up with all my clothes on. I did take them off later and put them in the dryer, but other than that, I had them on.
Dick and I are at odds whether I had sex or not - I say I didn't, he thinks I did because of some physical evidence that he didn't want to tell me about on the phone. I don't think that I did. It doesn't matter because it is over now and there's nothing I could do about it.
I went to the counselor and told her what happened. She asked me what I was going to do about my drinking. That I had problems with low self esteem, low self-confidence and low self worth, but that I couldn't get to those problems if I didn't get ahold of the drinking FIRST. She mentioned another medication, and that when I go in to see her tomorrow, that she will be in charge of my program. I am not sure what that means, but she said that I have to tell her what she needs to hear so that we can proceed.
Dick and I will be going in together so that he can stop enabling me. She said that it is insane that I would go and do something like that and expect my life to get back to normal. I completely agree with her.
She said that it might turn out that we are not meant to be married to each other, which would really break my heart, truthfully. Someone might read this and ask, "Well then why the hell do you keep doing that to him?" and I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to be without him.
She was very clear that she was going to ask BOTH of us to quit drinking and BOTH of us to quit going to the club. She said that if the commitment wasn't there, then...well, I don't know. I don't think that Dick should have to quit drinking for now, but if that is what it takes.
She also said that it might turn out that I'm not meant to be here, and I don't think that I would like that, either. I do like it here, most of the time. I don't know why I keep doing stuff to sabotage myself, my relationship.
She asked me if I thought about hurting myself when I felt this low and I told her that even if I did, I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to embarrass my husband, my parents - she said, "Don't you think you're embarrassing them now?" which was a very good point.
I don't feel like I deserve anything. I haven't eaten yet. I won't wear my favorite jewelry. I don't care if I look like shit because I feel like I deserve it. I don't even want to go out in public. Work, home, that's it. I apologized to Dick because I know that I did this to myself and he has to suffer through it with me. In sickness and in health?
The guys were laughing when they talked about me and said that I must be messed up in the head to do something like that to Dick and that we must be living miserably together. It makes me angry because they've had girlfirends, ex-wives, whatever, but hey, watch her, she's a car wreck. Every time I have seen another person drunk, I have taken care of them.
The counselor also mentioned that I could really get myself in trouble - get raped, killed, etc. That one day it will be the wrong man. I don't want that.
I was so afraid that somebody would find out I was in AA, if I were to join, so then I go and do something where I have no choice. She said that I have the self-discipline to quit. I don't know where the fuck it is.
I told her that I wanted to go home, but she said I was going to have to suck it up - that I could not go running home to my mom or anyone who would help me fix it - that I was going to have to do it myself.
I don't really know what to say at this point, because I feel like I've said all this before - what makes it different this time? I didn't even want to tell her because I didn't want to disappoint her. Or Jen, Or Rose, or anyone. Part of me just wants to be this horrible little dark person by myself.
I'm just sad. And tired.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, December 26, 2006 at 3:46 PM.
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I am sad with you. I wish that I could say that I think you are not an alcoholic and that you don't need AA or to quit drinking altogether, that you can handle it without quitting altogether forever, but all of the evidence seems to point in the other direction.
I think the counselor may be right, that you and "Dick" are both going to have to commit to this or it will never work. It is just too tempting for you. I know you don't want to hear that, but is it worth losing everything you have over alcohol? I don't think so.
I am always here if you need to talk.
J,
Dick and I have another appointment today at 1:00 so that he can stop enabling me. He said that it is no problem for him to quit drinking for a while, too. So we'll do this together. For me, I have already spoken to my bosses about reworking my schedule so that I can go to AA and that I can do whatever else it takes to get this under control. It is too tempting for me, you are right.
I am not sure I agree with the counselor that it makes it easier for you to relapse because your husband is still drinking. In terms of practicality it certainly does make alcohol available to you but there is a mental state there that means you would find a way to get to alcohol even if he was completely dry.
This is going to be a rough road for you. I hope your relationship is strong enough to hold together because the reality is that you are going to fight this battle for the rest of your life and he needs to be in it for that long as well.
Let us know how the appointment goes?
I'm sorry this is happening. I hope that with all the work you are going to be putting in to making it better it will turn out alright. new year, new leaf?
Rob,
I'm not sure, either. I don't think that his habits should have to change because I can't get mine under control. She's of the opinion that it shouldn't be a big deal for him to give it up, but I don't think he should have to. She also talked to him about if we needed to leave a place that we should, but I don't feel uncomfortable when other people drink. I feel uncomfortable when *I* drink...I guess we'll see how it goes.
e,
You know I will, girlie!
I wish you were here so I could give you a hug.
G,
I HAVE to turn over a new leaf on this island, especially now that I work with kids. I interact with kids who are old enough to be part of the "gossip loop" and I don't want to have any job prospects ruined because of my behavior.
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