Day 8: Self Examination
I have to laugh at myself, because as I typed that, I immediately thought of a breast examination, thank you Air Force Networks.
I spend quite a bit of time examining myself (mentally, NOT physically! When will I NOT have the mindset of a 13 year old boy?!), much to my downfall. I think I have to take a different perspective with this - specifically, not letting my ego get in the way and practicing HUMILITY.
The last day of school this week was a rough one for me. It was the first time that I have ever come that close to tears in front of my students in a long time. Nearly 10 years of teaching! And I am not a sensitive one in the classroom. We were trying to play Pictionary and they were yelling to me because they didn't understand the breakdown of the teams. I kept trying and trying to explain myself politely but they kept insisting and insisting and interrupting and blurting out and interjecting without letting me finish one sentence (because they were excited - this was a treat for them). I was so frustrated that I could feel the tears back up in my throat. The tickly feeling in my nose. And I told them to give me a second, because I was afraid that I would lose it. So I stood in the hall, trying to get some CALM.
I don't know what had upset me, exactly. That they were correcting me? Not listening? Acting rudely? Probably all of the above. My sponsor told me how when she was a teacher she would encourage her children to find her mistakes and I was dumfounded. I thought that she was a much bigger person than I was. But I don't know if that is my ego getting in the way, or if that is honestly how I want to be treated.
I was hoping that even though I am starting my days again, that because I have some months of sobriety behind me that they emotions wouldn't be so raw, but am quickly finding that this is not the case. One day at a time is the only way I can take it, and a wise woman told me that I can start a new day at any time. If my day is not going how I like it, I can restart. I need to heed those words, instead of letting things get to me.
Jane Says: Every Day is ANOTHER CHANCE - Lauryn Hill.
I spend quite a bit of time examining myself (mentally, NOT physically! When will I NOT have the mindset of a 13 year old boy?!), much to my downfall. I think I have to take a different perspective with this - specifically, not letting my ego get in the way and practicing HUMILITY.
The last day of school this week was a rough one for me. It was the first time that I have ever come that close to tears in front of my students in a long time. Nearly 10 years of teaching! And I am not a sensitive one in the classroom. We were trying to play Pictionary and they were yelling to me because they didn't understand the breakdown of the teams. I kept trying and trying to explain myself politely but they kept insisting and insisting and interrupting and blurting out and interjecting without letting me finish one sentence (because they were excited - this was a treat for them). I was so frustrated that I could feel the tears back up in my throat. The tickly feeling in my nose. And I told them to give me a second, because I was afraid that I would lose it. So I stood in the hall, trying to get some CALM.
I don't know what had upset me, exactly. That they were correcting me? Not listening? Acting rudely? Probably all of the above. My sponsor told me how when she was a teacher she would encourage her children to find her mistakes and I was dumfounded. I thought that she was a much bigger person than I was. But I don't know if that is my ego getting in the way, or if that is honestly how I want to be treated.
I was hoping that even though I am starting my days again, that because I have some months of sobriety behind me that they emotions wouldn't be so raw, but am quickly finding that this is not the case. One day at a time is the only way I can take it, and a wise woman told me that I can start a new day at any time. If my day is not going how I like it, I can restart. I need to heed those words, instead of letting things get to me.
Jane Says: Every Day is ANOTHER CHANCE - Lauryn Hill.
Labels: frustration, humility, self examination
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on Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 12:31 AM.
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