See Jane Sober

I have to laugh at myself, because as I typed that, I immediately thought of a breast examination, thank you Air Force Networks.

I spend quite a bit of time examining myself (mentally, NOT physically! When will I NOT have the mindset of a 13 year old boy?!), much to my downfall. I think I have to take a different perspective with this - specifically, not letting my ego get in the way and practicing HUMILITY.

The last day of school this week was a rough one for me. It was the first time that I have ever come that close to tears in front of my students in a long time. Nearly 10 years of teaching! And I am not a sensitive one in the classroom. We were trying to play Pictionary and they were yelling to me because they didn't understand the breakdown of the teams. I kept trying and trying to explain myself politely but they kept insisting and insisting and interrupting and blurting out and interjecting without letting me finish one sentence (because they were excited - this was a treat for them). I was so frustrated that I could feel the tears back up in my throat. The tickly feeling in my nose. And I told them to give me a second, because I was afraid that I would lose it. So I stood in the hall, trying to get some CALM.

I don't know what had upset me, exactly. That they were correcting me? Not listening? Acting rudely? Probably all of the above. My sponsor told me how when she was a teacher she would encourage her children to find her mistakes and I was dumfounded. I thought that she was a much bigger person than I was. But I don't know if that is my ego getting in the way, or if that is honestly how I want to be treated.

I was hoping that even though I am starting my days again, that because I have some months of sobriety behind me that they emotions wouldn't be so raw, but am quickly finding that this is not the case. One day at a time is the only way I can take it, and a wise woman told me that I can start a new day at any time. If my day is not going how I like it, I can restart. I need to heed those words, instead of letting things get to me.

Jane Says: Every Day is ANOTHER CHANCE - Lauryn Hill.

Labels: frustration, humility, self examination

I know I wrote a little bit about being thin-skinned yesterday - seems I am predisposed to it (no, I don't really believe that).

This morning I woke up feeling guilty for feeling upset that it bothers me that Dick drinks. When I told the counselor that I didn't want to be "one of those girls" - and by one of those girls, I mean the "I can't drink! DON'T drink around me!" girls. Who think ANYONE that drinks has a problem. I don't want to be *THAT* girl.

Rather than let it fester (as it seems I have done with so many other things), I approached him this morning, while asking him to remove all alcohol from our house. Not that there is an overabundance of it, but we do have some on hand, which I have been known to drink from time to time.

He was not angry at all, and said that he would not drink. I mentioned that I was afraid he would resent me in the long run if he didn't think that he had a problem with alcohol, and he said that he wouldn't. Which makes me wish I had opened my mouth earlier. I feel like that was such a point of contention with me. I felt angry and that it really distanced us when he was still drinking.

Another friend asked me if I felt selfish saying that he shouldn't drink, and I do, but I don't. He has had his own run-ins with my friend Al, and I don't think that it is an unhealthy choice. But that's not my story to tell, so I'll shut up about it.

He did express surprise about the other alcohol - he never touches it, so I can understand why he rarely noticed it, but I told him that I look at it every day. And it's not so much the compulsion to drink it that bothers me, but what it represents. Especially on days when I feel less centered and LESS relaxed.

An oldtimer said that I've got to learn to make do with the tools that I've got. Which means reaching out and talking more. *SIGH* I'm a writer! Not a talker!

Whenever I feel uncomfortable, I remember how uncomfortable I feel when I am drinking and inevitably do something stupid. There is no greater discomfort than that, to me.

So talk, it is.

Whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes.

Jane Says: If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger.

Labels: asking for help., humility, tools