See Jane Sober

I tried to write about Steps 2 and 3 about two weeks ago, but found myself getting agitated, because I couldn't come to terms with what my understanding of God was. Is. I didn't know who or whom or WHAT I was turning everything over to, and that made me highly uncomfortable.

In reflection, I realize now that I was having trouble with the turning over and with the higher power because I have felt alone for a large part of this year and last year. Which, in fact, is just vain and ridiculous. But I also feel that is part of the healing process for people who are not drinking: realizing that a lot of things you did, or aspects of your personality are VAIN and RIDICULOUS.

If I didn't care so much about what other people thought, or feeling comfortable (VANITY, RIGHT HERE), I wouldn't have picked up a drink. Yes, I did appreciate a good wine, the taste, but I wanted, needed, longed for the feeling that it inevitably, gracefully provided me after 2 or 3 drinks. The problem? I couldn't stop there. I felt so great that I would drink! more! and then, my friends, and then, trouble.

What it comes down to, however, is clear black and white. I cannot do it by myself. And I think this is one instance where cannot does not necessarily mean "won't". Or maybe it does. I won't do it by myself. But you know what? I shouldn't have to. Reaching out for help doesn't make me any less of a person.

In fact, I learned yesterday that it broadens your horizons and makes you that much stronger.

Jane says: There's always someone cooler than you.

Labels: abstinence, alcohol, step 2, step 3

Dh,

I am sorry I was mad yesterday. I guess I was just surprised when you drank, even though I only asked you to keep it out of the house.

I feel that I was coarse and maybe a little bit rude yesterday when you told me that your favorite beer was on island and you couldn’t have any. I don’t know. I wanted you to know what it is to *KNOW* that you cannot drink. Because you are putting so many other things at risk. I love beer! I love to drink! My mouth actually watered when I smelled the alcohol on your breath, and I wanted to cry.

I felt such a disconnect from you the first time I quit drinking. When I missed alcohol, and you professed that you could quit any time, with no problem, and that you wouldn’t miss beer at all, I felt diminished and misunderstood. I thought that maybe if you quit drinking with me for a substantial amount of time, you’d know how it felt. And I KNOW you know how it feels, because you were so uncomfortable when we went to the club, and you weren’t drinking – you just wanted to leave.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I think you and I have similar personalities – when I see you drink, I know EXACTLY how you feel after 1 after 2, after 5…and I get mad that you are relaxed, and I’m still sitting there, like I have a pole up my ass, uncomfortable and sweaty.

But it is not fair for me to impose that on you. But, I also found, that last time, when I realized that I had to MAKE MYSELF quit drinking and that you couldn’t help me, really, that I felt independent from you. But not just from you. From everybody. And I created a lot of distance in our relationship. Which, I feel, led to our problems over the summer. For the first time in my life, without alcohol, I didn’t feel like I needed anybody.

I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that my point of view changes greatly when I am not drinking and in AA. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people that we normally call our friends, and I don’t really like them. It sounds really mean, but I just need distance from just about everybody except you and bd (because I feel like he NEVER judges me). Everybody else, I could give a shit about. I see them just winding themselves up in their own little dramas and bullshit, and I really don’t have time.

It is also stressful to me when I feel so out of sync in our own house – cutting board, frying pan, towel, pee on the floor, etc. I try and mention these things to him kindly, but to be blunt, it is extremely frustrating when I feel I am being disregarded.

I’m just trying to do things right this time.

I love you.

Labels: AA, alcholism, marriage

I'm working on Steps 2 and 3. Again. And that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up for starting over. Every life has a path. This is mine.

I will say that I was extremely frustrated with the entire thought and acceptance process yesterday. Maybe I was agitated because I had to clean out the microwave that was crawling with ants and stench after the kid said he would do it and didn't. Maybe I was agitated because I had to demonstrate that I know how to put out fires (when I don't. And I was sweaty and nervous), just in case I spontaneously combust.

Anyway.

I don't know what I was doing. But as I was trying to explain that I was indeed ready to turn my life over to God as I understand him (OR HER!) I was agitated. The wings of my little heart fluttering, beating furiously against the bumps of my ribcage. But, there was no voice. Just the beating. Flapping and flapping and pounding and pounding.

And I can't really say why.

Maybe I felt fraudulent?

I do not believe in the angry God of Jonathan Edwards. I do believe in love, openness, forgiveness, and trust. I do believe that too many events have happened in my life to be coincidental. Which means that I attribute these events to a higher power.

I do not deny the existence of God. I just know that I am still figuring out WHO or WHAT God encompasses for me. Hence, the agnostic version of the step.

"...we needed strengths beyond ourselves..."

Jane says: If you want to fly, your feet have to leave the ground.